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Your fiance belongs in the trash. Get out ASAP. I guarantee if you stay with him, he will cheat on you. Save yourself the grief.
Oral I can do and is fine. I can't even masturbate atm so my sexual frustration is off the charts. I told him if he wants to sleep with someone else, then you can have the ring back and I'll move out.
Ended that pretty quick, but we'll see.
I wish this fucking cyst could like, be operated on or removed - it gets in the way of regular sex when I'm not recovering, so I can't go at it like I want to. I dunno where everything went wrong anons, but don't follow me. I know I did this to myself, but it still hurts.
Sounds like depression, guys can show weird signs of depression because they don't want to show weakness, so they channel it into anger and jealousy and shit like that. Wish you could get him some help, mentally. Therapists might be $$$, but I'm on anti-depressants, would those be easier to get?
Might also be low testosterone? Just throwing things out there.
With choking, a little pressure from the palms is good, but most of the good sensation is from the pressure in the fingertips/wrist, so it feels like he's pressing, but he's actually not restricting air flow much at all.
Also, all these stories about shitty BFs and bad Fiances, man, you could just move one and meet the right person, and suddenly 1 year feels like 5. Doesn't matter how long you've been with someone, moving on is not a waste of your time. Most of you are in your early-mid 20s, like, you seriously have a looooong time to date and find the right guy.
Men don't want to raep you, so encourage him to take two steps forward, one step back. If you're insecure about your body, you can either get over it, or not blame him for exploring that area. A top-tier guy will feel around your bodeh and let you dictate when you want to keep going. Personally, I'm a footfag, so instead of engaging her logic, asking if I can suck her toes, I make my way to that, and see if she'll go along with it, or not. Sometimes they're into it, sometimes not. I like exploring fetishes/kinks with women. The psychology is pretty interesting.
Failing that, I guess you could just tell the dumb bastard to take it slow, but if you have to tell him, he's a low-quality shitter.
So I started dating this guy I met through an online dating website. First date was alright, I thought we got along well enough, but we didn't kiss or anything (I was to awkward for that since this was my first 'online' date). We agreed for another date the following week but didn't set a place or time (is that to long of a wait?). Then we both got busy (and I was out of state) so we didn't text much for a few days. I texted him tonight asking him if he was still up for another date on Tuesday and he said sure and to tell him the time.
Now let me preface this with something, this guy has sent me multi-paragraph texts since we started talking online. I don't mind it and I know it's unusual but he's and English teacher who loves his job, so I figured he loves writing. So he replys once to my text with some follow up to some of the topics I brought up, then he ended it with…
"Hope you have a good rest of your night, and we'll talk at some point before Tuesday I'm sure :)"
I guess I'm not used to the whole 4 paragraphs per text thing (maybe he sees it as more like a letter writing thing), or maybe I'm just retarded/insecure by trying to over analyze it. It just gave me a bad vibe, as if he isn't interested in me anymore.
At the same time I don't understand why I feel insecure about it. I don't (or shouldn't) feel very invested in him yet (which is why I wanted to set up a second date, to see if I could be) but I still kind of like him.
Anons, please tell me I'm just being insecure/retarded.
I've been dating this fuckboy since June and while i like most things about him i feel like we're not that compatible, but i don't want to break up with him.I met him online, i am a part of a Facebook humor group and he posted le funny memes XD there.He added me on FB and after chatting with him for a few weeks we went to a meetup and i met him in person.We started dating but i simply cannot live with him for more than 8 hours at a time, he's very tiring and i feel like he drains my energy.He's like the complete opposite of me, he's hyperactive, flamboyant, talks too much and too loud and is obnoxious.Think Milo Yiannopoulos but much shorter and swarthier.He's smart, very knowledgeable about a lot of things so he's not a complete idiot, has a good paying job and comes from a good family and is funny but sometimes it is too much for me, i am an introvert and it is simply tiring to be next to him.I've been on a 3 day trip with him and his friends and my favorite part of the trip was when we left.Last week we were out in town and he got a text from his 'friend' and proposed to join them, them being a group of 5 girls that were openly flirting with him, which is something i absolutely hate since i do not like competition.I honestly don't know how he gets so much female attention, my previous boyfriend was much more conventionally attractive and usually got nothing, whereas this swarthy manlet is always with some chick.I doubt he cheated on me so far but i don't know if i should break up with him or not, he makes me feel insecure and is a very tiresome person.
ok, does anyone else not have the urge, or interest in being in a relationship? i'm not asexual, i have sex frequently, but a friend of mine finds it completely bizarre that all i am interested in is sex or friendship (or both). he believes that everyone has a soulmate, and that there's someone for everybody, but i don't believe that at all. i find guys attractive, then i fuck em if they're into me. beyond that, i have no urge to do or be anything more with them. personally, i like to believe that i don't really get lonely, but i do seldomly. it's not enough for me to settle down though lol. this guy i know of used to fuck girls and then he caught feelings for one (and now they're together), and i don't want that to happen to me. it actually scared me when i heard that lol.
people don't really need relationships, right?
He's not going to dislike it, and oral always feels awkward for people who haven't done it before, in my experience it was at least.
Obviously shaving is important for it though, no-one likes getting hair in their mouth, but apart from that, just tell him you're nervous about it, or even wait until after you both are more comfortable with each other sexually first.
You want to be comfortable with anything sexual you're doing to be able to enjoy it, that's true for anyone, and it sounds like he'd respect that.
Why are you so upset about people in relationships with an age gap? You don't have to like it, but she does, and it's pretty stupid to claim that older men are predatory, he could just legitimately have feelings for her.
It's a decent sized age gap, but it's not like it's huge or anything, he's not a 60 year old guy with a history of dating and dumping younger girls.
Not to be rude (though this probably comes across that way) but you sound like you are legit 15 years old. Then again, that might be because of my own personal experiences at that age, so take that with a grain of salt.
I've been in a very similar situation, but I do want to say first that if he's making some kind of sexual advance, and you are uncomfortable with it (not just shy or insecure but you know, upset about) then you should tell him. If he gets mad about it then leave his ass because that's not good for you. If you think you can overcome your insecurity enough to do it, and you are comfortable with him, not just doing it because he says, then absolutely. I also think that you two are very early in a relationship, and this is also your first (perhaps his first too, who knows) relationship, so things can be exciting/new and move too fast (again, speaking from personal experience). I suggest not just going right into sex, maybe start with some small stuff. Making out a lot, maybe he can squeeze your breasts/your butt a bit, stuff like that. It might help with you getting comfortable with him sexually. If he can't do that for you and just wants to go straight into it, like I said before, leeeave his ass. You don't have to do that stuff for long either, like maybe a few weeks, or however long it takes for you to be comfortable with him.
I suggest also taking advice from >>123696 cause they are right about the hair, it is not fun girl.
I used words like "typically" and "generally", repeatedly, for a reason. I didn't say he's for sure a predator. It's worth acknowledging that many older men seeking out younger women ARE predatory, which is what I said. You guys were dismissing the gap because she's no longer 16. I didn't "go off" on anyone. I pointed out that most cautious families would have good reason to ask questions and that not asking questions shouldn't be normalized because most families would be concerned, and because it is something worth questioning. As far as "personal experiences" go, I've never been with an older man. I have, however, seen how it has affected young women around me that were convinced that they were with intelligent, mature, men when later on down the road they revealed themselves to be shallow manchildren with an agenda and an inability to impress those within their age bracket. More often than not, they seem to consider younger women to be disposable, as well. There are also notable power dynamics at play that people seem to disregard because older m/young f relationships are so normalized. I didn't say she shouldn't date him. I said it's still a significant age gap and we shouldn't dismiss the gap just because she's not 16.
Not sure if I should post this in this thread since the relationship is already over, but anyway… I really need to hear somebody's opinion.
I moved to another country last year at age 22. I met a guy 20 years older than me when I was there. I knew he was attracted to me when we began talking, but I wasn't attracted to him anyway. He was much older than me and said he had a daughter almost my age, so I thought I'd never feel anything for him. He said he was divorced.
Well, we had a lot in common. We both paint, create art, like the same authors and books, etc. Our personalities also matched. So in the course of three months we became very close and I started a relationship with him. Until then I didn't think anything weird was going on. He was a very private person, that was all.
Well, long story, short story… our relationship kept going for months until I found out the cunt was married when he let me use his laptop and forgot he had left his facebook open (I'm not on FB and he said he didn't have an account either).
I kept blaming myself because obviously I could see signs everywhere, but I was so blind and needy in a distant place that I couldn't realize they were there. I texted to let him know I knew about his secret and left. After that he basically disappeared. I don't have facebook, twitter, etc so he just blocked my number.
He stopped attending the place where we met. I decided I didn't want to say anything back then and just let it go.
I'm in another country now but still think about him often. Not because I want to come back with him, but because I obssess over the thought of letting his wife know what he was doing. He has a popular art blog (which I designed for him) and I read it sometimes just to start thinking about stupid plans to tell her he is a fucking cheater. Reading his blog after all this time I can see I was basically fuel to his fetishes: I was younger, a virgin, and thought I was only into women until I met him.
I just want someone to tell me I have to let this shit go. Or if any of you ever ended up in a relationship with a guy like this, what did you do to heal/cope/etc? Anything is welcome.
Sorry for the long post, btw.
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please help. how do you politely turn someone down for good? I'm >>123629 and he IS coming on to me. When I had written this he had subtly asked me if I wanted to go out with him, and since it took me by surprise and I had to respond quick because we were chatting live, I said "i'll consider it". I know, huge fucking mistake, i'm so stupid. Well today he asked me very directly. He's a very good friend and I love talking to him, so I don't want to make things awkward or mean. But under no circumstances am I going anywhere with him. I don't want to come up with a temporary excuse like "oh I have a cold, sorry" because obviously he'll just wait and ask again. But I also don't want to say something as dry as "no i'm not interested". he wants to go out this saturday.
i would tell him i'm a lesbian, but i've already told him i had an ex bf.
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>I love him and I just want to be perfect for him.
>I just want to be perfect for me.
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It's only weird if you make it weird.
Also, would you want to wait for him to propose?
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2 he tries to shift the blame to himself because he knows your mom is protective
3 its exactly like he said, he thought it was important
from my perspective it seems like your mom is very protective and seeing things that ain't there
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I met J in the summer with her friends C&L at my sisters uni. We had a really nice time together and after they went home to Spain I kept contact with her. (nothing really happened though, I really enjoyed her company)
Fast forward to last weekend, I went to visit her. She did make the effort to come and see me, hang out with me. But I felt she was really distant, which confused me. We had so much fun during summer.
I did have fun with her friends C&L. Didn't feel awkward with them at all.
How do I ask her what's wrong without coming over as desperate/pushy/creepy?
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oh and before I visited, we talked every day on whatsap. Haven't recieved or send a message to her since I got back.
I just want things to go to normal again.
My boyfriend's ex and him had a pretty bad falling out/break up, and on the day they had a deep conversation and said they'd never get back together, he asked me out. However, months later, he still talks to her. He found out she cheated on him while in the relationship (confronted her about it, was extremely harsh), and a few weeks ago he messaged her on facebook to explain why he acted "a certain way" while they were dating. I guess he was sort of a dick or something for personal reasons. She completely blew him off about it.
Anyway, this bothers me. He told me he didn't want to cut her out completely not because he supposedly doesn't love her but because he invested a lot of time and emotion in her. He says he doesn't want to have a friend relationship with her and etc. But to be honest, I don't really buy it? I mean, if your ex cheated on you, if they wouldn't listen when you tried to be honest about stuff, the only reason you would keep them around is because you still care, right? I dunno. It makes me feel really bad and I'm pretty sure he knows it and I need some insight because I've never dated anyone before.
They don't talk daily. From what he's told me, he's only spoken to her twice in the 5 months: once to confront her about cheating on him while in the relationship and the second time was to "absolve himself" as you put it. I have spoken to him about it and he told me recently because he put so much emotion and time into her, he doesn't want to totally cut her out but at the same time doesn't want to be friends or have friendly banter or anything like that.
But I fucking hate it. I seriously hate it. He tells me how he wants to be with me forever, that he wants me to live with him, that he's proud of me, afraid of losing me, gets jealous, etc - but then he's still attached to his ex? Because in my opinion, if you're still talking to someone who obviously doesn't give a shit about you, you still care/have some attachment. Not to mention she came around at a time when he was really low and suicidal. So I just..idk.
Also, yea I know, that was a warning sign for me in the beginning. I think I'm gonna talk to him about it soon. I'm going to visit him soon and I'm telling him that I'm not doing it anymore if he continues to talk to her. I typically play the shoulder to cry on, mainly because I care, but it makes me feel cucked and I'm sick of it tbh.
Nah I don't think so. I think he's still attached to her/cares for her but for some reason refuses to cut her out completely…which is worrying to me. Unless things get really bad, I'm not breaking up with him.
I've been fucking the guy I lost it to about 2 months ago. Every weekend or 2 he'll hit me up at a weird time when at least one of us is drunk, walk for half an hour to get to me, smoke, talk, make out, have not very successful sex (he's never come - I'm not broken, have had successful penetrative sex with not-him, I think it's a combination of him being quite big, afraid of hurting me, and not able to come from head), make out, talk, smoke, sleep/cuddle in my single-bed until noon the next day, then go home and not contact me until next time.
We met outside a club, was instantly attracted/endeared to him. He's pretty and silly and we have niche interests in common, both decently impulsive and open (read: dysfunctional), both with poor self-esteem but find one another really hot. I don't know why he keeps doing this. Either: a) he's desperate and lazy and he knows I'm up for it so is willing to make another attempt (seems unlikely, pretty sure he wouldn't have much trouble hooking up with someone both more convenient and fuckable), or b) he wants to be with me, but only in this particular weird context (seems unlikely, why? Pretty sure it's obvious to him that I'd love to be around him more. What's so scary about talking, smoking and making out in the day, or somewhere else? I'm also pretty certain he's not cheating on anyone.)
We're away for vacations now. If he does it again next term I guess I'll ask him, but it's quite scary. I really don't want him to go away. I don't care that we're not exclusive or anything of great significance, and he's not my only option either. I just like him.
I was on OKC looking for hookups, friends, and just plain horsing around talking to guys. at one point all my friends joined and we were liking each other's profiles and stuff. anyway, there was one guy that shared the same music taste I did, and i didn't mind messaging him, so I gave him my Snapchat since I was done with the app (so so many boring people). we tlaked more via snap and it was a constant thing everyday. he sent selfies with captions usually and that always makes me uncomfortable because i don't care for seeing people's faces when they snap me. it rubs me the wrong way, idk why for sure, but he did it constantly and it made me think he genuinely liked me? I was right because he did admit to how he deleted the app because he found someone with potential and I was curious as to who it was and he said that it was obviously me.
this guy bought me a phone case, a makeup brush set, and a baking sponge for Christmas. he tried to play it off as the Christmas spirit but c'mon. he talked about how he feels it's time for him to spoil a girl (he's fucking 22 lmao) and I'm really hoping he doesn't think this is going to be some type of relationship in the future. I mean, I made it pretty obvious that relationship related things make me super uncomfortable, borderline anxious. when he called me bae and made a joke about us dating, it took me almost 20 minutes to reply because I was having a panic attack? I could be wrong but I was sweating, trembling, hyperventilating and it felt like someone was wringing my neck.
I said that if he ever comes to the city near mine that we could go out for a night on the town, specifically to concerts cuz I've never been to one because he's cool. he said he prefers taking things super slowly cuz his past girlfriends were…crazy. his last one wanted to get married and have a kid not even 5 months into the relationship apparently. he's easy on the eyes but his selfies make him look horrible. I'm a vain person so that bugs me a lot. i know he isn't ugly but his selfies are. I saw a video of him laughing and he looked like a different person.
generally I don't feel anything for any guy. it's either they're sex material, friendship material, both, or neither. my brain sifts guys between these categories instantly and he fell in friendship. I just don't want him to expect anything even though I've stressed stance enough. boys are retarded when it comes to interpreting NO.
My boyfriend is from Ukraine. We started dating 2 months ago after going on a date together. He's generally nice, though sometimes he's offensive when he doesn't intend to be (isn't perfect with english) but he's not unintelligent. He's very jealous and possessive, worries about me with other guys, etc. He has both of his exes added on Instagram, Facebook, and his ex's number on his phone. I always ask him why he keeps his exes on Facebook but he always says things like, "It's not like I can help that I'm friends with them, I have them unfollowed so it's hardly like I'm friends with them in the first place, If I didn't have to be involved with them then I wouldn't because I don't like them, etc" but these girls are constantly liking his shit and are in group chats with him so it's not like they don't interact on Facebook. Also, a month after we started dating, he picked his ex up in his car and dropped her off at college.
My main concern is, last week or so, I asked him to delete his ex's number from his phone. It only seemed fair because I'm not in contact with any of my exes and I'd just prefer to not deal with the stress. He deleted her after I asked. This week, though, he asked me to put my number back in his phone because he wiped his entire phone memory. That means all of his contacts were deleted. I typed my number in and when it went back to his list of contacts, her number was back in his contacts, meaning he intentionally added her back.
I don't know what to make of this. We have a lot of other problems as well, he can be pushy with trying to get me to have sex with him when I'm not ready (I'm still a virgin, he is too), always nagging about whether or not I got my birth control, etc. I have severe OCD and I have a big problem with seminal fluids. Even if we do sexual things, no penetration, I worry that I'm pregnant and my entire month is miserable until I get my period. I was also molested as a child, don't know if that's part of it.
What do I make of this? Is it cultural differences or is he just being an asshole? Aside from these problems he's nice to me and he cares about me/my health. Am I blind or something?
The fact that he's forcing you to do it, yet he himself didn't do it without you having to say anything then saying "oh we're friends blah blah"
Yeah no. He's just sending up huge red flags. Dump.
I'm friends with my ex and no way would I remove his number from my phone, or do so if I was asked. But we are friends, nothing more. If they're only friends, it's fine - it can show he's mature enough to do that and when you one day become an ex of his, you'll understand it. There is nothing inherently toxic about being friends with an ex.
Now if he's fucking them, that's a whole different story.
Everyone does dumb shit at that age, if your potential partner thinks that makes you horrible they're not worth dating anyway.
You just need to get over personal hang ups.
There is a difference between taking good care of you, providing financially, and lavishing you with presents.
It is understandable in looking for a marriage partner to want financial security, but that goes hand in hand with fiscal responsibility and if you want to be stay-at-home that is definitely a conversation you need to have with someone.
Anons, how do you know when a guy friend likes you as more than a friend for sure?
I recently moved back home where my good friend of 6 years lives. He also has a girlfriend. Let me also mention that before they got together, we would cuddle a bit but have never kissed. Apparently it was nothing since he got together with said girlfriend. Ever since he got together with her, nothing weird happened between us and then I moved. I keep writing things off as nothing but I really don't know what's what because I think I'm fucked up now from guys treating me like shit and calling things "just friends". I'm not even sure what is considered wrong if he has a girlfriend.
Basically what's happened,
We hang out, just the two of us.
Girlfriend has stopped talking to me, could be nothing, not completely sure why.
One night invited me over, he drank, we played video games, watched movie, got up to leave, seemed like he wanted me to stay so talked to him more, sat back down and he kind of nuzzled my shoulder.
Wrote it off cause he had been drinking
He asks me if I want to go out for my birthday. Took me to a nice fancy bar, then a cheaper one, I beat him to paying for my drink from the first bar and then he bought my drink and food to share at the second one.
We drink, I get drunk, go back to his place, watch movie together on his bed (not touching, nothing happened).
After movie kept talking until about 3:30am, sat in dark on his bed side by side on pillows.
Had one arm over my waist over the blanket.
Do you think something is going on, or nothing at all? Is he being unfair to his girlfriend? I do nothing to provoke this, btw. I play dumb and act as I would with any other friend. I also have no fucking friends where I moved back to anymore so I don't want to stop being friends with him.
There's a lot about your friend and his gf but not about you. How do you actually feel about him treating you in this way?
If you really thought 'lol he's just treating me like a friend' or if you enjoy the sneaky cuddle buddy situation then you would just ignore his gf and probably not make this post. If you're not comfortable with it, or even if you want more, then you should be feel comfortable to address it. He's meant to be your friend for 6 years, why whether he's doing it deliberately or not, if he can't handle "hey don't do that it makes me uncomfortable" like an adult then he isn't a worthwhile friend or boyfriend to either if you. He shouldn't be doing it but he can't know what you feel if you don't respond.
Who cares if he's friends with an ex, he's clearly an asshole for 100 other reasons. Anon needs to break up with him and find someone who won't pressure her for sex when it's seriously a stressful issue for her. >>44732
23 is the age when guys only start to become more confident. If you're the mothering type then it makes sense you're attracting childish guys. Assess all the common traits in the guys you go for and try something else (within reason as in find a refreshing guy at a certain kind of event, don't date a methhead gangster lol)
I feel you. For some reason I always end up with whiny bitches. At first I try to help them but at some point I can't help but find them pathetic. The worst part is that it's really hard to get rid of them because they think they need us to function.>>44737
Nah I'm currently dating a 30-year old man-child. Meanwhile I know mature 21-year olds. In the end it's the attitude not the age that matters.
My baby-ish looks coupled with a past of sexual abuse make dating older men very weird for me. I'm 19 and I could still pass as 13-14. I guess it's just something I have to get used to.
The most pitiful part for me is that I've had a strong preference for women all my life but I don't know where I'm going to find young queer women that want long term relationships in my relatively small, religious, southern town.>>44738
Man, I dated this kid for ~6 months, dumped him in September, and he still sends me super emotional messages begging me to take him back. That behavior is so pathetic and SO childish but it breaks my heart that I broke peoples' hearts.
They are like lost puppies without a loving family so you bring them home and then they chew on all your shit and jizz on your nice bedsheets.
reading this it seems like you're mutually stalking just a little bit too?
It'd be best for your state of mind to not check any of his social media and detach.
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So, I never really knew what sexuality I was for most of my life (Currently 26)
I just went by what people called me, gay. However I dated everyone from cross dressers, men, women, lesbians, gay, you name it. I do PREFER men, however most men actually gross me out. What always moved me was how someone made me feel.
I'm still a virgin, though I did master foreplay to satisfy lovers. I just could never bring myself to date or have sex with someone unless they made an emotional bond with me. Someone suggested that I might not be gay, but instead panromantic.
I dunno, it's stupid I know but… I always thought it was just so tumblr? If you understand what I mean. I mean, there was one person I was willing to give myself too, but alas they are no longer with us.
I'm just finding it hard to open myself fully to someone. I tried, but eh… forcing emotions just doesn't work. I was wondering if there are any other like panromantics or other weird peeps out there?
I didn't want to make a new thread on this topic alone. So sorry
I don't think that's necessarily a sexuality, you just aren't comfortable with sex yet, for whatever reason.
You just sound like a bi person to me, not some special sexuality that only really exists in Tumblr rhetoric.
Not being able to open up easily isn't a seuxality.
>>44747> I do PREFER men, however most men actually gross me out.
You're picky and have a "type."
>What always moved me was how someone made me feel.
This is normal. For most people, how attracted they are to someone is very influenced by the person's personality.
It's also the only way for long-term relationships to survive once both partners get all saggy and gross, unless they're both into GILFs. People that think physical sexual attraction is the most important aspect of a relationship are going to have a tough time when age catches up to their SO.
>I just could never bring myself to date or have sex with someone unless they made an emotional bond with me.
Though it's much more socially acceptable nowadays to sleep around, personality still plays a huge part. Few people will willingly fuck someone they hate unless they're getting something like money out of it.
And as for not wanting to date someone unless you have an emotional bond with them, that's because you, at least on a subconscious level, understand that romantic partners aren't the same as exclusive fuckbuddies, which is something some people never quite figure out, and then they wonder why their relationships always crash and burn as soon as the other person gains 5 pounds or gets an ugly haircut.
>I'm just finding it hard to open myself fully to someone. I tried, but eh… forcing emotions just doesn't work.
So you're not comfortable with sex. There are a million possible reasons for this, ranging from religiously or socially enforced guilt, to trust issues, to a low sex drive, to just naturally being kind of averse to physical intimacy. Fake tumblr sexualities aren't one of them.
tl;dr You're a non-slutty bisexual. Stop overthinking it.
I mean, I don't necessarily agree it reflects on them now, but lets not act like they were kids, they were adults when they did it.
And it's not like saying that, it's like saying that people who knowingly are part of any adultery are shitty people, which they are.
She might not be anymore, but it's absolutely something worth being bothered about, and it doesn't make someone a bad person for being bothered by it. It's stupid to say that anyone who gets a bit concerned about that isn't worth dating.
What the anon was trying to say was that if it bothers someone, he's not worth dating for the OP
, not everyone else. Also, 18 is legally an adult but holy shit no you are not mature enough to be making certain decisions. Most 18 year olds are just kids.
Sorry if I sound like my jimmies are rustled. Irl I'm the go-to person for everyone's confessions. They're mostly good people with skeletons in the closet and so I don't judge.
18 is not a kid, at that age you're absolutely capable of knowing right from wrong. You might still be immature, but immaturity isn't really an excuse for making bad decisions, a 40 year old could be immature.
And it comes down to what she did being an incredibly shitty thing. Personally, I wouldn't date someone who I'd known had cheated, ever, because it is inexcusable to me, regardless of what justification you come up with. I think any of her partners absolutely have a right to know and make decisions off that, a history of cheating is a huge dealbreaker for lots of people.
if youre so fond of him, you should be more open and honest. better sooner than later. youre still young and i am one to believe that before settling, people should spend some time understanding themselves and the world more. im not trying to discourage you from chatting with him, but make sure you aren't just blinded by youth.
i once had a thing for a guy i met in an mmo over 10 years ago and we talked every night and some nights about 10 hours. i was IN LOVE with him and wanted to be with him forever. but we eventually lost contact, i was going through some shit, fast forward to now and he's been with his girlfriend for about 7 years and i have been with my partner for about 8. and a friend of mine was dating a guy in finland online for a few years and were engaged. she traveled to see him and same him to her but his jealousy and pushiness eventually drove them apart. it's really touch and go when youre in a relationship and there is not much time to really understand how someone lives and what they are like outside of the allotted time you get to chat.
I just think you have a really specific type. I'm the same way.>>44757
I'm not demisexual because I have been attracted to strangers who have fit that "type", but that has been about 3 people so far in my entire life. I'm in my late twenties, but have had no attraction to anyone except a very very specific sort of person that I can't describe too well. Hell let's just say picky as fuck.
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Because people on average are not special or interesting. How else do you suggest they compensate, shitlord?
I've known people that have, and it's always just been that they were doing it because they wanted a relationship but both couldn't handle the stresses at the time and just ended up dating once they moved in together, or one developed feelings after they did and it ended up miserable and awkward because the other partner didn't feel the same.
Wouldn't recommend it unless you're absolutely sure that there's no way that either of you could get feelings for the other.
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Is it worth waiting for someone to figure out their stuff?
Basically, we both like each other and would have started a relationship immediately if he was ready.
We had a bit of a rough patch in the past three months but we talked things through in NYE, saying we liked each other. Then I brought up the idea, that if he wasn't ready, we could just try things slowly and see how they go. He said he would think about it. I just got news today that he wasn't ready yet to try anything because he doesn't have the time or the energy for a relationship and so, doesn't want to do anything halfassed.
I asked him if I should just move on or wait, and his response was "if you want someone asap just forget about me". I don't really want anyone else either..
Thanks y'all. If I don't make sense I can clarify as well.
That's kind of a question only you can answer. Do you feel like the guy is worth waiting for?
Don't let yourself get dragged along by someone who's not interested either, people sometimes have issues saying no.
But if it's not that, and he is just too busy to date or needs to sort himself out first and you feel it's worth the wait, why not?
In that situation, then yeah, I wouldn't recommend moving in together at all. It's not like it's a certain situation where you're both sure what's going on, it sounds kind of uncertain and confusing, so I'd at least wait until you get it more.
Up to you though, of course.
He's never lied to me or lead me on, which I am grateful for. He told me straight up that he wasn't interested in anyone else which was nice to hear.
To me, yes. My friends would disagree with me but they also don't know him like I do.
I guess the real question is when is it time to move on? When he takes too long?
Also agh I'm really sorry. I've never had relationships complicated like this.
Does he just want me to stay away and forget about him if he says to not have any expectations?
Well if you feel it's worth it, then it probably is, your gut's usually worth trusting when it comes to relationship stuff I find.
And I suppose the time to move on is when you start having doubts that he's interested or that you are. Tell him about them, and if nothing changes, that's the time to move on.
Some people wait a year and it ends up being worth it because they very clearly did want to be together, and some people wait a year and just make themselves miserable stressing about it and then it doesn't work out anyway.
There's no one size fits all answer for relationship stuff honestly.>>44775
Hard to say really, he might, or he might just get the impression that you're interested in dating someone in general, not him in particular. Could be anything, there's no way to actually say without knowing the guy though.
My gut says it's worth it but my head is telling me no. It'll be an interesting few months. I need to stop googling stupid articles about this because I'll go crazy.
Obviously there is no correct answer to this as all relationships are different, but I was in a similar situation a few years ago.
We dated for a few while and had a really great time, but about 6 months in I started to get kind of anxious over what we were. We had a long conversation about it and he told me he was incredibly sorry, that he thought I was amazing, but that he wasn't over his ex-girlfriend. He told me candidly that it wasn't fair to me to keep pursuing him when his emotions were so tangled up. Kind of the same thing with your situation, he didn't want to do anything half-assed because that was a shit thing to do someone he cared about.
I was fucking devastated. He wanted to stay friends, but I absolutely couldn't since I liked him so much.
A few months and some drunk "I fucked up, I miss you" texts on his behalf later and he messages me. We meet up and absolutely nothing had changed. That night we had a long talk about where he was at emotionally, how he felt like he had figured his shit out, and how much we missed/wanted to be with each other. (He even adamantly refused to have sex with me that night because "that's not what it's about".)
Things are really good between us now. I've honestly never felt happier or more fulfilled with someone in my entire life. I'm really happy that I waited for him… But I also was prepared to let go if he hadn't figured his shit out. The anxiety of "what if" is too much to live with. I also definitely would not have tried again with him if he wasn't straight-up with me and a good communicator. Those two things are really key when it comes to transient relationship bullshit in the way.
Does he foresee himself having more time or energy to pursue a relationship in the future, or do you think that this is his way of just saying he's not emotionally ready?
I'd say go with your gut for now then. If it starts to hurt you, drop it, for sure, same as if you feel he's just using you or whatever, but it does sound like you're over thinking stuff, which really doesn't help with relationship stuff, it has a tendency of just making you unhappy.
And yeah, definitely stop googling stuff, there's always an article that'll support whatever side you want it to with this stuff, and one situation isn't comparable to others, because it's obviously so individual.
Good luck, I hope you guys do work out eventually.
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Mm I forgot to mention that we're just going to be friends. For now or forever, I'm not too sure.
Anyway. I'm glad things worked out for you two. The anxiety is definitely going to kill me.
He is pretty clear when he communicates… but only irl conversations and we haven't had a lot of those because we're living in nearby but eifferent cities. During the past three months, he dropped off a lot of conversation online because he thinks that online conversations don't have the same nuance as irl convos. Which, to be fair, is true but it was very disheartening because we would talk whenever we had time then getting short responses in return.
>Does he foresee himself having more time or energy to pursue a relationship in the future, or do you think that this is his way of just saying he's not emotionally ready?
He's kind of starting his own company (he's still in school. His school has alternating work and study terms) and he told me that the work never stops and he'a always doing something for it.
He'll be back in his final term at school this May and I would guess that he would have more time and energy. He said the last term would be relatively chill.
He just got out of a long-term relationship just last year where he was the dumpee. When he looked a bit tense when I held his hand (I had asked him if that was ok – he said yes), he said he was still a bit on the defensive side. He's also a bit depressed, so there's that.
One thing that confuses me a lot is that he says that he doesn't care about anything and anyone equally… but he was the one who asked me if I wanted to hang out with him on NYE. He was interested in what I had to say and tried to guess answers to questions that I didn't answer to. His actions and his words contradict each other. I do think he cares about me though…. but ….?
Thanks anon for listening, and for the luck.
Good luck to whatever is going on in your life as well.
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18 is technically a teenager, yes, but 18 is by no means a child. At 18 you're legally an adult and society deems 18 year olds to be able to make educated and smart decisions. I would be making the same argument if she was 15 at the time. She was young, yes, but not young enough to use her age as an excuse. There's a difference between having an affair with a married man and 'stealing candy from the checkout aisle'. People need to start taking responsibility for their actions, when you make adult decisions like fucking a married man, you're going to get judged as an adult, even if you're going to argue that 'most 18 year olds are just kids'. Sorry, but that isn't an excuse. Most sane, normal people who don't dodge responsibility would agree that 18 is a perfectly fine age to be held accountable for such things like this. I really fucking hate this culture lolcow and other internet communities have where people here constantly try to excuse their shtitty behavior. If she doesn't think what she did was wrong, then whatever, that's a different argument and I can't change someone's morals, but let's not make excuses here and pretend that she was some innocent child.
If you're 18 and drunk driving, you're culpable when you run someone over.
Destroying a marriage/family and sleeping with a married person, knowing they are married, you're culpable as well.
Old enough to fuck someone's husband is old enough to know far better. There's no excuses for homewreckers. If they can't admit to being trash it's on them as well.
I agreed up to this point>I would be making the same argument if she was 15 at the time. She was young, yes, but not young enough to use her age as an excuse.
Physical age doesn't equal mental age. A lot of people have stunted mental growth. They're not mentally retarded, but they have trouble grasping social queues or responsibility usually because of a traumatic event.
Look anon, the developmental age thing is important, until you remember that people act their developmental age all the damn time.
When a 23 year old is cognitively developed like a 15 year old you can tell. Those sort of things make themselves obvious within days of observing the person.
If someone's got much more of a developmental gap than that then it becomes an entirely different kettle of fish.
Tldr homewrecking is homewrecking, until it becomes assaulting a retarded person.
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I formed a crush on someone I met on a Christian RPG weeaboo forum shortly after my initial sexual awakening at the age of nineteen. I asked her to try an online relationship with me eventually, after working up the guts to message her privately about my feelings, and for about five years she said "maybe", then finally "no, sorry" when it was really clear I wasn't going to even look at or consider the possibility of other women until I'd gotten a no from her. She's actually still my friend, and the only non-furry I've ever had romantic feelings for.
Then one of the artists I knew on FurAffinity decided to be my girlfriend. She was constantly threatening to kill herself and blaming her fictitious kidney cancer (faked for attention) and the pain of treating it on any slight hiccup or dry spell in her ability to draw and upload fetish art. She had someone else tell me that she had committed suicide, and while I was posting a journal to tell everyone that she was gone and start grieving she just joined the site again with a different account. To their credit, most of the furries who had been her fans came to my defense and shamed her off the web (a few years later and I still sometimes get people telling ME to go apologize to HER).
While grieving, I threw myself into watching My Little Pony videos on YouTube and through that discovered Omegle. One girl there took a real shining to my writing style and we exchanged emails for a while, but it slowly became apparent to me that she just wanted me to write rape/bondage rule34 fanfictions of her favorite anime characters and nothing else. One day we were on Messenger, I asked her "What's on your mind right now?", she answered "Not much", and that was the last I heard of her.
A few months later I started trying dating sites - I figured if relationships never formed naturally as a result of normal interactions, the way I was always told through memes and pop culture, I would try a couple sites actually designed for helping people find relationships.
On OKCupid I got a lot of praise for my handsome face but nobody actually wanted to engage in conversation with me. Or after a couple messages they'd say "txt me" and give me a phone number, but I don't now and certainly didn't back then have cellphone.
One person I added to my Skype, and after an initially cold reception she reached out to me with a show of sympathy when I marked my status to indicate I'd come home from the hospital (I'd been in ICU for about a week with appendicitis).
Finally now that she'd opened up to me, we got to talking and it was pretty clear that we liked each other. I didn't know what the relationship status was really until she came into a chatroom where I was a regular and introduced herself as my girlfriend.
I wanted to save cybersex for marriage - in fact I look forward to it more than to the real version. But she kept begging me for it until I gave in, and I really enjoyed it. She soon became cold to me again, then asked for a breakup saying I was addicted to cybersex and she was uncomfortable offering it in the first place. We made up for a time, staying together for another year or so, during which she went back to pressuring me for cybersex whenever she wanted and shamed me for wanting it whenever she didn't. She also started begging for money and going a month or so at a time without messaging me at all, just asking monthly for 300 bucks to "borrow".
In October 2015, she asked me for $400 to buy herself a new iPhone instead of $300 to pay a monthly bill like phone or electricity payments like usual. I gave her $300, which was still more than I could reasonably spare that month, and she dumped me. She promised to pay it all back, but since she'd also promised to marry me for the cybersex and promised not to abandon me that shows how much her promises are worth. She also promised we could remain friends afterward, then removed herself from Skype.
The trauma of this breakup was enough that I started dreaming up a waifu. The character really confused me because she so convincingly played before my mind's eye what I wanted to have. However, she eventually realized that she was fictional and accordingly dumped me for my own good because pretend or not, she really cared about me (because I care about the truth more than I do about my own feelings).
Then after a few months of nothing, I decided to try a new dating site in its beta stage that I got linked to from one of my preferred porn sites. It's a hive of SJW douchebaggery with good people scattered here and there. One girl, ten years my junior, messaged me and despite my misgivings and fear of being manipulated again I warmed up to her quite well.
For four months we chatted and roleplayed things like kisses and cuddles. I was looking forward to her returning to Michigan (she spends summers here and winters in Canada), meeting her in person, introducing myself to her parents, and all that fun stuff I've never yet been able to do with someone. Then her OTHER guy messaged me telling me to "back off" because she was "his", and it turned out she'd been telling this other guy that she only saw me as a friend and I'd been creeping on her among other things. Other guy was her own age, that apparently being the deciding factor in her choosing him over me.
She gave the usual non-apology that amounts to "I wish things were different and I'm sorry I got caught" while imploring me to remain her friend. I basically said nuts to that, warned him that if she pulled this on me she was likely to pull it on him too down the line, and blocked them both from messaging me.
In theory, online dating should be the perfect venue for a sperg like me because being able to lay your desires and feelings out in text is so much clearer than relying on things like facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, etc. and less exhausting than listening to someone speak and trying to pay attention. In practice it's also a pretty terrible option because the very tools that make it easier to communicate truth in writing make it easier to lie and deceive as well.
I'm 29 at this point. My only real stipulations for a relationship are the basic requirements (adult, sane enough to be legally accountable for own decisions, biologically opposite sex to me, not currently in a relationship with someone else, etc.) and that she be a practicing Christian; I've never selected specifically for furries, those are just what I've wound up with so far due to my preferences in where to generally spend my time due to artistic preferences (and porn).
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At least maybe I think I do
You get people to open up by seeming to open up yourself. You get people to share intimate details by sharing intimate details of your own. You get people to expose their vulnerability by seeming to expose your vulnerability.
Do it too aggressively though and you'll just come over as needy. Build gradually.
What does porn have to do with it? He could be absolutely head over heels in love with her and want to be with her, but he's still going to get horny when she's not around, or simply just feel like jerking off, and that tends to involve porn.
Are you saying that guys in relationships don't watch porn? Because I'm not really sure, but if that's what you're saying, then you're pretty naive.
I had the same issue years ago. Even now I sometimes get pregnancy scares lol
Start tracking your period. There are lots of apps that can help you with that and eventually you'll find out when your most eisky days are.
If you're really that scared you can buy a pregnancy test.
I think you should also visit your gyno to get some form of birth control. It'll not only keep you safe from pregnancy but also make your period more regular etc.
Pregnancy scares really are the worst…
I'll do that, thanks anon. Will also be planning to purchase a kit if my next period comes later than usual. I'm really open to start with birth control since using only condoms as prevention is already giving me so much grief, but I'm also wary about having my parents find out that I'm on birth control and sus/flip out knowing that I'm not going to be abstinent till marriage. Considering how I still live with them (uni undergrad), it doesn't seem that unlikely tbh..
Just so that you know, condoms are 100% pregnancy proof.
The 2% chance is just made up by people who lie about their condom usage to avoid blame, people who mess up with handling condoms and those times they break without noticing. Alcohol is also a common factor to messing up protection.
If you are unsure, next time just test the condom afterwards to see if it holds up to pressure.
The error is for misuse or poorly made products. Out of date condoms or condoms exposed to heat or light are also susceptible to failure.
Don't spread false info like "condoms are 200% effective I swear" it's dumb.
If the morning after pill is available to you and you aren't sure if the condom broke or anything you could take it.
But if there was no leakage you're fine.
If it's already one-sided it will only get worse with time. The fact that he didn't spend your birthday with you (no matter the reasoning behind it except maybe if someone close to him died) and he only got you a card is an absolute no-go.
It would be different if you both wouldn't care. My boyfriend also isn't good with gifts and doesn't like holidays. But after I told him that it's important to me he made a real effort this Christmas. In the end I almost felt embarrassed because he got me several gifts (I never asked for more gifts, I only wanted him to make an effort, write a nice card an such). All of them were so well-thought through…
Did you try to talk to your bf about it? If he doesn't make an effort even though he knows it bothers you that's a red flag. It's less about receiving gifts than spending time together and showing each other that you care.
He didn't even get me a card hahaha! All i got was a happy birthday.
I brought it up tonight and he blamed it on the fact he hasn't got this new card yet. He acknowledged it but I don't think he understands.
He missed christmas, new year and now my birthday because he had financial difficulty, but really, not even a card?!
Oh haha don't know where I got the card part from.
Even if he has financial difficulties there are still ways for him to show he cares. He could have arranged a skype date, could have sent you text and voice messages all day and at least make you feel like you're not alone. The fact that he barely spoke to you is the final straw imho.
Dump him. He will never return your affection and he doesn't love you, because if he did he'd want to make you happy. Leave him, become the best version of yourself and enjoy being single and learning about yourself and the right person will fall into your lap when you least expect it.
You deserve better! The only reason you are taking this crap is because you don't believe you deserve what you want. But any guy who has you doting on him should feel very lucky and show you appreciation.
I was in a relationship like this for way too long and it does not get better. He takes you for granted and I don't think it'll change–financial issues are just an excuse. You can make so many cute things for someones birthday even without money–just film a little video, look for photos of each other and do something with them etc.
If he's anything like my ex-boyfriend he will just make excuses and never really show you any real affection. We were in a LDR too.
I'd think really hard if it's worth to stay with him–what do you get from that relationship? Do you love him? Where do you see yourself and your partner in 5 years? Living together, getting married or something similar? If not, please break up with him. It's not worth it.
Thanks i'll consider this deeply. It really has made me thought whether he truly cares or not.
Icing on the cake is how he said how 'awful' he felt - it was all about how he felt and not how I felt. Alarm bells ringing.
With regards to what I get from the relationship, I don't even know. I have goals and aspirations but he vocalizes them too, however I just wondering if he is just pacifying me and i'm wasting my time.
If he truly felt awful for letting you down, he would be going all out to make it up to you. But the truth is, he doesn't feel awful, he knows you'll stay with him if he makes zero effort and he's taking you for granted. He doesn't want to make effort, but the situation is great for him because this devoted, loving girl is showering his shitty self with love and affection which he didn't even earn!!! The situation is great for him because it allows him to be selfish and probably makes his ego sky high because he didn't even do anything and for some reason you think the sun shines out his ass.
Dump him. Dump him and watch him beg you to stay and say he's sorry for taking you for granted and DON'T go back there.
You will find someone who is just the same level as loving and affectionate as you. And who knows? Maybe you're showering him with little love tokens because deep down inside you're trying to get him to love you. When you meet the right person it should be easy.
I'm not trying to tell you what to do anon, but my advice comes straight from the heart. I've been there.
and I only wanted to say that I wholeheartedly agree so >>44821
knows it's not only one anon who thinks she should dump him.
You deserve someone better.
Boyfriend of a few months drops a bomb on me that his ex (long term relationship) wants to meet up with him in a few days for coffee to catch up (she initrates this just after our relationship became public). Tell him fine since he had mentioned earlier in our relationship that they ended on good terms and they keep in touch periodically, now she's engaged, they're trying for a baby, blah blah.
After I ask him more about her (I figured I should know since she'd likely ask about me), I find out she was a serial cheater, who cheated on a previous boyfriend with him, then cheated on him (with I'm assuming the guy she's with now) and stayed together with him after he asked that they try to make it work. She eventually dumps him for her current dude. He admits to me the relationship was not a good one, they argued, etc…, but they had good times together.
Now I'm kind of feeling a little unsure about this. I trust him, he genuinely really likes me and the feeling is mutual and he's the sweetest guy I've ever met, but she obviously has/had boundary issues so I'm more concerned with her possibly trying to make things a little messy.
I thought I wouldn't feel insecure about boyfriend's having friendships with exs, but this particular situation is something I never considered.
Anyone deal with this stuff? He asked if I wanted to meet her, and I told him no. I'd like to wait and see how their meetup goes, before I tell him how I really feel about all this.
On the reverse, do any of you keep in touch with your exs? How was your relationship before and after breakup? Would you keep in touch with an ex that cheated on you? Have you?
I fucked up with my boyfriend last night.
It was midnight and I had ran out of alcohol after having a fifth of whiskey, and a half of a fifth of another kind of whiskey I'd had left over. The corner store I always go to was closed today, so I tried to drunkenly walk to the 7/11 seven minutes away down the street. This is not safe at all; we live in a downtown area and there are lots of homeless people and degenerates, and I was ridiculously drunk and would not have been able to defend myself at all. He blocked me as I was walking down the stairs. I started getting upset and it escalated to me trying to physically get by him as he was restraining me, and I was shouting. Two of our neighbours saw this as they were walking in from their car. He finally just picked me up and dragged me back up the stairs into the apartment. I drank the rest of his beer as he cleaned up and did the laundry, which I was supposed to have done earlier. At some point later I tried to go outside to have a cigarette and he wouldn't let me go outside to do so. I told him to fuck off or something, he grabbed the cigarettes and keys out of my hand, and my wallet so I couldn't try to buy more, and hid them somewhere, I was too drunk to figure out where. I was shouting at him over and over, 'I just want to fucking smoke before I go to sleep,' so on. I was saying other shit too that I can't remember, but it must have been bad because he reacted poorly; he started saying I was acting trashily (I was) and that this was making him reconsider being in a relationship with him at all. I don't remember what happened after that. Eventually he went to sleep because he had to go to work in six hours at that point. I laid on the couch and started silently crying; in my head over and over I was replaying the feeling that was overwhelming me of being trapped with no possible escape, like a house cat owned by somebody else unable to leave the house, and I didn't have anything else to drink so I couldn't make those thoughts stop or even go to sleep. He had to get up to go get the laundry out of the dryer (in a downstairs room) and I'm assuming he must have picked me up and put me in bed, I woke up without my hoodie on and with a bruise on my jaw. The entire time he just kept trying to tell me to drink some water and go to bed.
This morning we exchanged six sentences:
>Do you remember what you did last night?
And after he had got ready for work and was about to leave:
>I'm really sorry for my behaviour last night.
>You should be.
>Could you try to just forget about it?
>We'll talk about that later.
And then he left. He'll be getting home in about an hour.
I've been filled with absolute dread all day at the prospect of facing him when he walks in the door. It's made me sit here in silence for hours thinking about all the other ways I've fucked up and how I never even thought about how I must have been coming across or the impact I've had on him. And even so, I've already had a lot to drink today, even though I know that he's going to want to talk about my drinking.
In the last month alone, there have been incidents like this. I was really drunk when I met his parents for the first time, and although I didn't do anything explicitly bad (that I'm aware of), his brother saw me stumbling and barely able to walk when he dropped us off back at the hotel we were staying at. I passed out in another hotel room, locking him out, and he had to get a new room key printed just to get back in. I've started arguments where I'm just being incoherent and aggressive when he had to go to work at his stressful job in a matter of hours. When his friend and his friend's wife came to visit us once we were set up in our new apartment, I talked to his friend's wife alone for an hour and in that time was just mocking her and denigrating her appearance, intelligence, employment prospects, so on; that caused a big argument between his friend and his wife. They came back to see us again the next day since they had come up eight hours just to see us, and his wife brought two of her friends alone; we were going to do a bar crawl for New Year's. I'd already been drinking all day and more in their hotel room, and I don't remember what I was doing or what I said, but my boyfriend and I ended up leaving early and going back to our apartment, and everyone else was pissed off at each other and at us and went their own separate ways too. I remember that I was being really mean to his wife's friend's husband (how convoluted) and he got in my face telling me not to talk to a woman like that, making my boyfriend defend me. There are plenty of other nights that I just don't remember at all, or passed out really early during our only time we share together due to having been drinking when he was at work.
There have also been a couple times this past month that he's referenced me possibly being an alcoholic, which he has never made any mention of before. I've felt him notice more and more how horrifically depressed I am in the mornings before I have enough to drink. I'm terrified that he's going to confront me about that tonight, within the hour. I watched The Girl on the Train and that made me realise all the more how I must be coming across to people. But no one's ever said anything to me about it. I just never realised how bad I was being. I thought I drank a lot, but I didn't think I was impacting anyone else but me.
If he asks me to stop drinking, I know I'm going to abandon a man that loves me enough to have tolerated this for so long, and live off my savings in a shitty apartment until I run out of money, then kill myself. There is no other option for me. I just don't want him to leave me, I don't want to leave him, I want to keep going on like this but I see now that I can't go on like this and be in a relationship. Can he just keep ignoring it? For how long? He's not a patient man, he's more of a stereotypical alpha guy, how has he let me do this to him for so long? How can he have lived with a girl for two years who embarrasses him in public, alienates him from his friends, and doesn't do anything but sit around all day and drink?
This is more of a vent, I don't know what advice I want because I'm not going to change, but I just need to express this somewhere and shouting into the Internet void is the only form of communication I have with the outside world.
Please don't shit on me. I know I'm a terrible person, and a terrible narcissist for still struggling to understand just how terrible I am.
>>44826>I'm not going to change
Anon, you're destroying your life over alcohol. Obviously it's fucking difficult, but addiction can be and has been overcome by thousands of people. Think about how much happier and easier life would be without this addiction. The problems with your bf would be gone. You wouldn't alienate yourself and him from friends. You'd learn to overcome depression in a healthy way. You wouldn't be destroying your body.
You need to check yourself into a rehab. Force yourself to go.
So don't drink disgusting amounts, act trashily, and be mean?
There's literally no issue for you other than "I wanna get shitfaced belligerent drunk and I want my boyfriend to let me get into dangerous rapey situations wahhh"
Be lucky no one saw him drag you. He could have been charged with assault. That shit is expensive and not something you wanna go through, trust me. I have been there.
If you work shit out with your boyfriend you need to stop being aggressive before things get out of hand
Try exercising and ween yourself off alcohol or something. Get a hobby.
You need rehab. Your boyfriend can't help you. The reason people are shitting on you is because normal humans can't understand your thoughts anymore.
You have to get professional help. You don't have a behavior problem, you have an adiction problem–a "crazy" problem. If you don't get within arm's reach of a doctor and his staff, you will eventually die.
Sounds like a lost cause. Lots of people stay with someone they love because they have already been together so long that it's a habit and they're lazy or scared of change, which is fine if you're old and married and settled into a family home, but there's no excuse for that when you're young.
Either you want to have a relationship with him, you want to just be his friend forever or you want to ditch him completely. Pick one.>>44826
Like the other anons said, go to rehab. This is a really optimal opportunity for sorting your life out, you have someone that cares about you who you also seem to care about. Rehab is going to be a heck of a lot harder if you leave it until you're older. homeless and alone.
If it doesn't' work out you can always go back to drinking, but you might never have this opportunity to have the support of someone you love again.
I was in the same boat, follow what >>44840
has said and it should be fine. If they're especially thick like my first maybe try fingering with multiple fingers to stretch out a bit, I didn't and it was a bit painful, nothing unbearable though.
>>44843> I also have not told him I'm a virgin because I'm 27 and feel like a loser.
Why do you feel like a loser?
What if he's also virgin?
Your boyfriend sounds like a jerk. He wants you to do all the hard work for his pleasure, while refusing to do the position that is most gratifying for women. Not cool.
Or he's fat. Fat guys are lazy and don't want to crush you, so they like the girl to be on top. And their gross stomach get in the way and make doggy style difficult to impossible.
I feel like a loser because I feel too old to still be a virgin. I thought he might also be a virgin but he told me he isn't. He says he's had sex but not a lot so he's defiantly inexperienced.
I get the feeling I really should just be honest and tell him I'm a virgin when it comes to actually fucking.>>44846
I made him sound worse than he is. He has gone down on me and helps me get off. He also doesn't make me do anything I don't want to do. He could lose some weight but he's not that fat.
>>44852>Maybe im being overdramatic and my self consciousness is getting to me?
No, you're not. I was in a similar situation, though not as severe. Is this his first relationship or something?
Personally, I'd back away and see how he reacts, but I think the smartest thing to do would be to talk to him about it.
You want to feel attractive, and you want to think your boyfriend can date attractive women, or that you aren't out of his league. Possibly he was working through confidence issues previously and reformed himself.
If you're somewhat uncomfortable you can always leave him. Plenty of fish in the sea
Make sure you tip the girls. They normally dont get money from drinks sales, so if you're going in to gawk at their working environment you might as well tip.>>44861
I have no advice to offer but I have a similar feeling. My bf's ex was chubby and boring, although he never tells me anything about her so maybe she was cool in her way, and he always prefers the sexy cougar types in tv shows. This makes no sense because before him, only guys who liked anime lolis went for me and I worry this means I am aging badly.
Sometimes it helps to talk about it and ask what he likes about me, but if you're insecure inside, it's not something other people can fix for you.
Tipping sounds like a no brainer.
Thanks for the advice anon!
Anons, have any of you ever felt like your s/o loves you more than you love them and sometimes you just don't feel attracted to them and might find them annoying temporarily?
My bf always tells me he loves me a lot, but I feel abnormal. It's almost like I'm just comfortable/safe in this relationship sometimes but I know this isn't true and I'm just in a mood. He's a really great guy and treats me well, we're similar, etc, yet sometimes when we're together for a weekend, I suddenly feel down for an hour or two and just don't feel like talking to him, or like we are 'too different'. I'm kind of temperamental and get tired from social situations easily but I almost never feel like this when I'm at school with my friends. I can't tell if I'm just socially exhausted after the weekdays or subconsciously unwilling to interact with him for whatever reason, possibly because sometimes I find him a little immature when I know he's just being silly and it turns me off (which is petty, I know)…
Also since I've noticed this, I've had multiple dreams where I had sex with random dudes and dream-me feels super guilty for cheating. lol.
If you've been through this before, please let me know how you overcame it, because I know this is an issue with me, not him.
Well, if it's that you're having issues leading to it, see a doctor and a therapist, same as any other situation like this.
Try relationship therapy and tlaking to him about it if it's not like that, because it can lead to resentment if you leave it unchecked.
I'm literally going through the same thing, anon. Sometime's my boyfriend repulses me. I feel like I can't break it off because he has a heart of gold, and loves me so much.
I always just hoped I'd get over it, but I'm not so sure…
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>Be moving to home country in a month
>Leaving gf behind in states
>Going to break up with her before I leave so neither of us get hung up
>Tried to hide fact that I'm moving from her
>She found out
>Says she still wants to be together
>This is gonna be fuckin rough
>Feel dread knowing what I'm going to have to do whenever I'm trying to have fun with her
Part of me wants to pull of the band-aid and the other wants to stretch this out as long as I can to be around her even though I know I won't be there a few weeks from now.
I'm sorry, anon. Is there something specific about him that puts you off? >>44867
Thanks for the advice, I did tell him how I felt and he said he understands
I'm having that thing where adult life makes your relationship feel like a LDR. We're both working such different hours right now that we rarely get to sleep in the same bed, I feel like I'm living alone, the only time I get to see him is the weekends and he's on a different sleep cycle so I just get angry that he's tired. Mostly we're communicating by text on a time delay. This is only temporary and it will get better but I'm upset that I will never get to have the kind of relationships you have as a student again, where you both do nothing but play videogames together and chill out for days. Being an adult is suffering.>>44868>I feel like I can't break it off because he has a heart of gold, and loves me so much.
Is this one of your first real relationships? Unless you love him the majority of of the time, a one sided relationship is a waste of both of your time. You aren't going to 'learn to love' him, you're just going to get more bitter.
Pretty much just >>44838
Probably not the nicest thing to say but your post makes me feel a bit better. I've recently started working so I can't see my boyfriend at all since he's in uni and at the end of my work day I can't go to see him, I finish too late and school is too far away. We don't live together so we probably won't be seeing each other except for a few weekends until I finish my internship - thankfully it'll be over quick but I'm really looking forward to it.
I can't wait for the time we're settled in a nice house and have good schedules that give us lots of time together, but it'll be years before we finish studying and get to there. But now I realize I need to treasure those few times when we can just be lazy and shit.
Hope your situation will get better soon!
Guys, I need someone to tell me "bitch you crazy" and slap me in the face. I'll preface my boyfriend woes by saying I know I'll sound narcissistic, spoiled, etc… I'm a neurotic only child and I'm trying to work out my issues.
Basically, I get in my own head way too much, which sometimes spirals into neverending self-pity. I don't think my boyfriend and I do enough "special things" together. We've been together 4 years, and in year 2 of living together. I know this is a super common complaint from women, and my boyfriend reacts with the typical "We spend every day together" bullshit. I've gotten upset before and voiced this, which makes him upset (he's been depressed before), and then we make up and nothing changes. Even though he's an amazing boyfriend (cooks, affectionate, selfless, open-minded), this stuff just gnaws away at me until I'm crying from how unloved I feel. I KNOW I'm loved though, he just doesn't show it by wanting to go on dates. It's not a big deal, I know, but I make it into one and I can't stop.
Does anyone have advice on just letting things go sometimes?
From the way you prefaced your issue, I was expecting something a lot more unreasonable. I think you're being a bit too hard on yourself anon.
He gives you the "but we live together" spiel, but that doesn't mean all that much. If you guys never do anything together, aren't you essentially roommates with benefits then? If anything, I think he's the one being somewhat unreasonable. He sees how much this upsets you but doesn't do anything to make you feel better? If my partner ever told me that they felt unloved I would feel like the biggest piece of shit in the world and try to make up for it ASAP. Even if he's not a romantic type of person and doesn't see the point of doing those type of gestures, he should still try to do them now and then to make you happy. It's not that big of an ask.
On the flip side, do you ever do romantic things for him or try to organise the dates?
But he is cooking for you, you fucking whore - that's how he is showing his love etc. That's without evening going into the "Selfless" comment you made.
Dumb cunt I hoped you get raped by a clown
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Just read that 'love languages' book. People express their affection for their partners in different ways. You wrote that he cooks for you among other things, he most likely sees that as expressing affection.
You need to sit down with him, without getting upset because that'll make him shut down ans say whatever to calm you down, and tell him that you know that he loves you, but that you need to see it expressed in a different way. You should ask him what he needs to feel loved.
Remind him of the promise you made to each other until it has become routine. Adult discussion always is the best option.
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Has anyone here ever dated a commitment phobe? I feel like this is more of a vent but seen as its relationshit stuff I thought I'd post here. It's a really long story so it's difficult to TL;DR or greentext, but I'll try to sum it up:
>Be me last year in December
>Be getting friendly with guy who I knew mutually through his dad
>We get on really well, but I can tell he's a womanizer and shit. Musician meme and all so he's had plenty of past short-term relationships and I don't think much of it, plenty of ppl like that have a high partner count.
>Can already tell he's interested in me but don't want to rush anything bc of reasons stated above, don't want to become just another notch on the bedpost and all that
>Get to like January and we both decide maybe we're essentially both in a relationship now
>It's going really well, seems like his Mum likes me and stuff, happy to see her son trying for a long-term serious relationship and I get on with her rlly well because we both like the same musician
>By this point we're starting to get a bit more intimate, some sex stuff but not the whole hog seen as I'm a virgin
>Get to February 10th or so and after the last weekend I spend with him he starts talking a lot less to me
>Think it's normal, we've been seeing each other for full weekends for like 3 weeks in a row now
>It gets to a week of hardly any contact
>See him for a day and bring it up and tell him if he needs space I understand but just need to know I've not done anything wrong.
>He essentially tells me he does need space bc his mental health is sort of bad rn so I'm like ok
>It's getting to like 2 weeks now, he's ghosting me all the time on FB and he's starting to hint stuff to me like 'I can't see you as much because I'm doing x and y (joining a band etc etc)' so I'm like 'okay I'm fine with that' because I'm too much of a pussy to accept that he's dropping hints left right and center to me
>He finally this Thursday tells me he thinks we should go on a break from the relationship whilst he sorts himself out mentally but doesn't know how long that could take
>Tells me about his commitment issues and how one of his past relationships really messed him up (the previous one he had before me) but I can't really get anything out of him because he doesn't understand why he feels like this himself and that he does this a lot (distances himself after a certain point).
Honestly there is so much more to the story like I say, but yeah. Has anyone else experienced a similar thing? Do you think he will come back to me?
'do you think he will come back to me' girl there's a flaw in your thinking right here
'A break' is basically short for a break up, and it's super unfair to just back out from relationship but holding you down with this 'break' shit, no
he just likes the idea of you not having anyone and being there for him if he wants, as he fucks around because oh he's so mentally unstable
sorry, I hate this type. Don't wait for this scum girl, he's gonna hurt you
said IT ALL DEPENDS ON YOU and don't you let him tell you otherwise. For me personally, 2 months would be too early to fly to another country for some dude. Adding to it that he is vocal about expecting sex from you… well, no idea how good your relationship with him is, but be careful. I smell shady
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Is anyone else a MilSO? If so, did your partner change and how did you deal with it?
TL;DR, my high school sweetheart joined the military and he's changed (gotten meaner, views are kind of beginning to conflict with mine) and I don't know how to feel. I care for him dearly, but he still has a few more years serving before he can come home permanently and I know for a fact I wouldn't be having these issues if he were still home. I've been told that it might take a few years to reintegrate into society and get back to his old self.
We had a serious talk about his changes last week (one of his oldest friends doesn't want anything to do with him anymore, it's gotten so bad) and last night he said I'm his last emotional attachment to our hometown. He was aggressive & defensive about his behavior last week, and last night he seemed very apologetic & sincere.
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Thanks for your opinions, I honestly know deep down he probably isn't worth my time, but damn it's hard to give up on this guy. It's only my second relationship ever so even though I saw warning signs at the start I probably just went ahead anyway out of pure curiosity and blind desire. I'm partly to blame for my own situation really. It's just a waiting game now.
I'm not sure this is so much relationship advice as mental health.
I get anxious as fuck that I'm going to be replaced or my bf is going to get with or fall for someone at work or a friend. He's expressed to me that I'm all he needs or wants and I'm unique (e.g. we share really over the top nerdy interests that most people, even his nerdy friends, and especially the girls, don't give a rat's ass about, etc.) We have plans to get married.
I think he's touch-starved but intellectually, I seriously doubt he'd cheat on me. He thought his ex was and that hurt him a lot. It makes me happy that he's finally spending time with friends and that he's so happy he wants to hug them tons, but my anxiety fucks me up.
We have no relationship issues, minus my own personal anxiety issues. We don't fight often. The only real stressor I can think of is we live in different countries, but we are both trying to move in together, to the point he was looking into houses and flats yesterday, he's been researching my country's constitution because it's new to him, I have a file with immigration docs, etc.
I think he's just a bit of a feminine straight guy with a heart of gold. He's a lot like me in that he just platonically loves other people a lot, but doesn't necessarily keep in good constant contact with people; I have a lesbian bff and I'm bi but he's never thought I'm up to anything because I'm just like this. I have to wonder if I need to look at it the same way to alleviate my anxiety…
I can empathize with this. I have bipolar so my anxiety shoots through the roof sometimes and I have shitty self-esteem. I still have dreams where my boyfriend cheats on me even though we're so close and everything's pretty perfect.
I actually just asked my boyfriend (of 7 years) for advice on your story because we've gone through similar shit. I used to be constantly miserable that I'd lose him and that I wasn't good enough even though, like you, I knew he wouldn't cheat on me. That's the key to this though, it's not your bf it's you.
You have anxiety, you're going through HUGE changes in your life, you're thinking about getting married for fucks shake. He's moving to live with you which is going to change so many things. These are massively stressful events and your anxious brain is running through the worst case scenarios.
You say you "seriously doubt" he'd cheat on you, so you don't believe it's in his nature, yet your brain is telling you that the thing that would hurt you most- that this guy you're in love with will leave you, replace you, stop loving you.
You know that's your anxiety speaking. That's not your fault.
My bf just told me that he could always tell when I was feeling that way, I wasn't holding it inside as much as I thought, I'd get withdrawn and sad and scared and he'd feel like I didn't trust him. He says he liked it when I just said what was upsetting me so at least he could talk about it. This is not the same as saying "I think you're going to cheat on me!" it's saying "I'm feeling really anxious and insecure and unlovable" or something to that effect.
Dealing with mental illnesses or even just bad feelings starts with identifying that the things you fear are not happening- if you know it's irrational, figure out what your brain is telling you. Are you feeling shitty about yourself? Anxious about living with him? Scared of making him move/leave things behind? Are there other stressful things going on? This is the shit you've got to talk about with him. If you're going to get married or even just live with each other, you've got to be able to talk about your pain.
Sorry for rant, just hit close to home lol
Thank you for your kindness and your advice.
He used to have strong feelings for one of the friends he's gotten back into contact with, and there are other stressors, but thing is, I love her too, and that's without even knowing her well personally! And I'm glad he's in contact with her because I like her so goddamn much. We were talking about moving in possibly with friends to save up money to live by ourselves, with her/her gf and the other friend he'd seen being possibilities. And I think he had feelings for her when he was like…15 or 16, too, but it hadn't dawned on me how young he was when that happened.
It's circular anxiety because I know it affects him, and it makes me feel like shit. Two of my exes left me over my mental health (and other factors,) that doesn't help either. He's got his own mental problems, e.g. has an anxiety disorder too, and just switched to a new job at work.
I have a lot of stress involved with our eventual marriage and move because we are both young and I'm from a tightly-knit family, plus I am still in school training for my career. I feel like I want to kick my ass in gear and make everything move faster, but that's not actually possible.
Oh and um…I sort of have bad karma, though I don't believe in karma. My ex and I broke up after I'd gotten involved in a poly relationship with my current bf. I was getting exhausted by my ex and didn't have romantic feelings for him anymore maybe a week into this but felt like I had to take him back because I missed what we had (as in because comfort and I wanted his friendship.) I felt like I was going to make him kill himself and the blood would be on my hands, too. :| After the breakup, I went strictly monogamous and can't imagine myself dating anyone else. It kind of feels like payback even though I meant no harm to my ex, and I thought I was doing what he wanted. I'd had feelings for my bf for a while and wrote it off and stuck in that relationship that wasn't likely to go anywhere because my ex is a manchild sixteen years older than me. Kinda feels like I'd known I needed/wanted my bf all along but my life was a fuck, yet I can't just write off that it feels like I hurt someone else because of being a legit autist.
First of all, fuck off. That guy went after me when I was seventeen years old, made suicide threats, and would detail the ways he hurt himself to me.
Second of all, I'd known the guy as long as I'd known my ex and considered leaving him much earlier.
It sounds like it was pretty complicated!
There's no such thing as karma and even if there was, you know from your reply to that anon that the messy breakup with manchild wasn't your fault, you described the way he manipulated you and you were very right to leave him if he was making threats etc.
Sorry if I sound like a broken record but do you feel comfortable talking to your bf about that relationship triangle you were in or is it too much of a sore spot for both of you?
Also, as an aside, may I ask how young you are? There's nothing particularly wrong with marrying young but is there a particular reason besides just wanting to?
Sorry for all the questions.
I'm about 21, he's 22. Immigration is part of why we plan to get married, just to quicken the process, and we've thought over the possibility of what would happen if things didn't work out. We've talked about what happened with the love triangle, but it was a really emotionally dark time for both of us because of the manchild.
High stress, poor communication, manchild would butt in and fight "for me" against my bf and it only made me resent his behavior more. He put extreme pressure on both of us and I've never seen my bf or myself quite as bad as I did then. Every time I got upset and would stupidly go to manchild for help, he would crucify my bf for fucking up and made him feel like everything he did could set me off. The reality was yes, I was emotionally fragile, but my ex would take a minor problem and turn it into a huge fucking explosion. He kept telling me it was okay but would be a dick to my bf. When I met my bf irl for the first time I think it really clicked in my mind that that relationship with my ex had been on life support for a long time and it needed to end.
He never seemed to like my bf even when I was close friends with him and it always made me feel like shit because I adored him. He'd deny it and said I was "falsely accusing" him of disliking bf, but it was old bad blood, to the point my bf felt unable to talk to me at one point in our friendship partially because of my ex. He was more or less convinced my bf would "steal" me and there was full on jealousy going on, so in retrospect, I think that him letting me get involved with my bf was his last-ditch chance at eliminating competition or saving our dying relationship.
I also have a really bad history with suicide. I witnessed my dad nearly kill himself, my uncle an heroed when I was in early childhood, and I nearly did more than once while I was involved with manchild. He seemed dead serious about killing himself because he had a history of self-abuse and depression.
God, manchild sounds like a piece of shit I'm sorry you had to deal with that.
I think your bf sounds like a really kind person and it's good that you can talk to him about things and that you're friends as well as partners.
Watching your dad do that must left you with some pretty devastating trauma. Your uncle too, that would have been unbelievably painful, even if it didn't register that way at the time.
Trying not to be an armchair psychologist here but death, especially suicide, is the ultimate abandonment, intentionally or not. Children often blame themselves for their parents' pain, it makes the child want to "fix" them. Children in unhappy households also try to make their problems seem smaller so they don't upset their parents.
I wouldn't be surprised at all if this has seeped into your adult relationships. You don't want to hurt your partners, you want to fix them, even if it's at the expense of your happiness and safety.
I think you might want to try seeing a psychologist to help deal with some of your childhood trauma. I'm not trying to diagnose away your fears with your boyfriend as some kind of Freudian bullshit- and it might not be related to your childhood at all, but the way we relate to other people starts with our parents and it's good to just get all that pain out to a professional.
I'm assuming you live in America and I know healthcare there isn't free, but look into therapy if you have the means. I personally think everyone should see a therapist, stress is fucking deadly.
Thank you again. A lot of the trauma didn't register because I've internalized it or tried to forget, but I see a lot of my negative behaviors as being the result of emotional abuse. I've had a lot of fucked up things happen to me and I don't think of myself as a victim, so I forget a lot.
I've been in therapy before and probably should be again. I'm insured so it's more a matter of finding someone I can get to and click with.
I've had to struggle with feeling like I have to parent other adults or people close in age for a while, tbh, I don't realize that a lot. My boyfriend hasn't made me do that, but manchild did and I end up being my brothers' father when my dad goes off his meds or is too manic. I keep telling my mother that the rest of the family needs to go into therapy too because I'm ending up being her marriage therapist because she thinks my dad will "trick" the therapist.
I really need to move out for my own good, and part of why I was stuck with manchild was he offered me an escape. My bf technically does too, but I'm not trying to run away from my country anymore and would be perfectly happy just having him live with me so we could emotionally support each other. He's exhausted from work and I'm exhausted from negative self-fulfilling prophetic anxiety and my family. He comes from a family with similar but not as serious issues, so part of why he has been understanding is that. They get into pretty nasty fights and his parents kind of hate each other, mother had abusive parents like my father did, etc.
I try to act as therapists for other people but feel shitty making them worry about me because it feels like my problems aren't that bad. I kind of think it's because my life is good/fine now, I forget what I've had to pull myself out of.
You're right about suicide as the ultimate abandonment because I have severe abandonment issues. Sometimes I think I self-sabotaged, but that doesn't happen really since manchild has been gone. Now it's more like I occasionally find myself anxious because someone I love and who accepts me as I am wants to marry me and grow old and all that and he isn't
suicidal, manipulative, or going to walk off on me. It's like I've got such a good thing that my anxiety has to find something wrong. I've come up with ways to cope and try to and often successfully override them a lot when I'm in a good mindset. It's just when I'm emotionally vulnerable or sleeping poorly that it's rougher. Or sometimes from my hormones. Lol.
I'm hoping we will get to move in together within the next couple of years for our sakes. Goddamn, I miss him.
Sorry for the long winded reply, I've never actually felt this comfortable saying most of my life story/issues publicly like this. On lolcow.farm of all places… :P
i met a guy over my college's winter break and we hit it off immediately. it was actually weird how much we had in common, down to shared music taste and weird little online spaces we frequented and mutual interests in fashion and stuff. we went on a lot of dates and hooked up a few times, we were each other's dates to a new year's party (and each other's new years kisses), were essential an item over that time, his friends and my friends were all aware. the issue, however, is that i go to college on the opposite side of the country from him - both of us were just back in town for the winter break, and when we acknowledged that, we came to a place as the break was getting closer to ending for him where we had to define the relationship and basically came to an agreement that a long-distance relationship wouldn't be very good for the both of us and we'd just be friends towards the end of the break/when we got back to school. we still talk to each other a lot and have literally talked every day since we both got back to school (in all honestly since the day he got my number) on the phone or by texting, we'll send each other random songs or mixes, weird/interesting links and articles and talk nonstop about them, or just have long convos about nothing in general without it getting boring - that "spark" hasn't seemed to die down, so…
i still really, really like him, i want to say that he might feel the same about me, but we both are pretty awkward and avoid talking about that at all. we'll both be coming home for the summer, though, and i want to possibly date him etc (or maybe even just hook up with him) throughout similarly to how things were over winter– i just am not really sure how i'd go about that? like i said, both of us are kind of awkward (and we kinda just came together anyway), and the idea of being super upfront makes me nervous though i feel like i'll probably have to do it anyway at some point
of course the other issue is what we're going to do when the summer ends. i kind of don't mind the idea of us being coupled when we're physically together & good friends when we're not, but i dunno. there's still a bit of time until the summer, also, so i don't know why i'm fretting about it as much as i am, because there's also the likelihood of things just coming together as they did before. what do you think the best route should be/should i even worry at all?
Some people can be very boring and yet be nice, cute and smart. You probably haven't met the right person yet and think you're basing your attraction on a combination of stuff like intelligence level, looks and whatnot. Maybe you'll run into a pretty average guy and fall head over heels.>>44548
I don't know if anyone feels the same way but my self-esteem just fell to the ground the moment I started going out with my boyfriend. I met him recently and he's everything I've searched for, but the more I fall for him the more I realize I'd be devastated if he left me because of one of my many many flaws.
He's a total hottie too and all of my girl friends are drooling over him (not in a competitive way). Usually I'm pretty confident especially when I date people but I'm starting to think that's all because I didn't care that much about the relationship.
I'm at day 15 and wondering when I'm going to fuck it up completly.
Ok, so. Hooked up with a cute Aussie guy back in February. He took my details and now we communicate primarily by e-mail, though also sometimes by Messenger. We've exchanged several e-mails since then, telling each other about our days and already we've found that we have quite a few things in common. I try really hard to write e-mails with little anecdotes or comments that will make him laugh or smile because I know it can be tedious to get to know somebody by e-mail, but that's primarily what we're going with because he's out biking across Europe and not always connected to wifi.
Anyway, I kind of want to talk to him a little about the night we hooked up. Just about how surprised I was when he kissed me. I don't know, I want to tell him more of my thoughts. Is it too soon, should I avoid doing this? I'm dying to know how long he was thinking about kissing me before he went for it. But idk if asking about it is good. It could clue him in that I think about it a lot, perhaps a bit too much than is warranted? I don't want him to think that I think too much. Sounds so dumb, but there you go.
For further context, we've both told each other that we really hope to see each other again. He wants to return to work at the hostel we were at later this year and even said "hey maybe you could too." With kissy faces. But idk he's pretty liberal with those kissy faces, maybe it doesn't mean anything. But on the other hand it's like…girl relaaax, this dude obviously likes you.
Ugh, please help.
anon, and i think that our situations are a little similar, hahaha !
do you think you like this guy relationship-wise? or do you just think he's cool & want to be his friend/like the idea of him being more than just "guy that you hooked up with & never spoke to again"?
is the tone of your communication just generally friendly, or does it veer into flirtation (i think it does with all those kissy faces)? i feel like it'd be more appropriate to ask if you guys are more flirty, but with that, it'd also be better if you guys were talking via messenger/a more instant form of communication so itd seem less planned or more casual, and not like you've been thinking about it too much. if there's anything distinctive from the time you hooked up that can help you segue into bringing it up, maybe start the conversation talking about that, and mention your surprise and stuff casually.
i worry that i creep out the same guy i like/come on too strong or annoyingly sometimes when i'm talking to him just because our talk is so friendly and constant now, and ugh i have those "omg am i being annoying despite how invested he is in talking to me" versus "relax, he likes you" moments all the time. the fact that you're actively communicating and both seem to be dedicated to keeping it up, as well as hoping to see each other again (along with his "maybe you could to") is a good sign, i mean !
Anon, has he talked about his feelings at all? Does he ever talk about serious things with you, or does he only send you flirtatious emojis and mention that you should both do this or that (shallowly)?
If it's the latter, and if I was in your situation, I would assume he is keeping me as an option for another future hook-up, not anything serious. I guess it really depends on how into the conversation both of you are individually. If you're obviously putting more effort into responding than he is, it's probably not worth it, I would say.
Hey, thanks for your response. I read your situation above, and personally I think you're in a much better situation than I am! I would say go for it re: this summer with the guy. If you don't outright date the guy, I feel like you guys will almost definitely become an item again, it could probably just happen like how you guys just came together the first time. And if you're an item all summer that gives you guys plenty of time to bond, and from there, if you guys like each other enough, you'll both probably want to keep dating in spite of the distance. For now, I'd say just be yourself and keep up the communication, like you have been. Your guy is definitely more obviously interested than my guy, imo. I envy you, personally! haha
As for myself, well, I think I really could like this guy relationship wise. I don't really know him well enough yet, but I'm definitely infatuated and I'm so eager to keep getting to know him. I do think he's cool, and I do like the idea of him being more than just the guy I hooked up with. I definitely want some kind of friendship.
Our communication is just generally friendly, but it does veer into flirtation sometimes. I veered it into a little flirtation this past Saturday, and he responded to it well, I think. My idea is, flirting is fun and feels good and I want him to think I'm fun and feel good talking to me. I want him to really look forward to seeing me, if we can see each other again. But you're right, I do feel like I come on too strongly or annoyingly sometimes. And then again, like you say, there are all these good signs! I think I flirt more than he does tho…maybe I should avoid doing it so much? Maybe it makes him think I'm just a slag who wants the D again?>>57517
The most he has talked about his feelings towards me is he thinks I'm a special girl, how he thinks I'm awesome, how he wants to keep getting to know me, how he feels lucky to have met me, and how I really made an impression on him. This all sounds like terribly generic stuff but coupled with the fact that he continues to keep in touch with me like he does makes me think he means at least in some capacity…it's just that he's no Cyrano, maybe?
Than again, I do get the feeling he's trying to keep it casual. Us meeting up in the future is mutually desired but still kind of uncertain, and it does make me think the offers to do things together (billiards, music) are bit on the shallow side. More of a "who knows what the future could bring?" kind of territory.
I do also think I am putting more effort into responding, but I've been trying to think it's more that he's biking and camping all the time…and I'm just a better writer than him maybe? lol
God. What a mess.
As a guy, I'd prefer you to be forward with me if you have feelings, it's the kind of language that registers with us more, and you will know very quickly whether he's serious or not, and whether he's worth seeing. If you play the shy girl card, you are unlikely to get his attention. Men may also get confused by this behavior. More often than not, if a guy has really made up his mind that he likes a girl, he'll make it obvious. So, with that in mind, if you like him, you need to be the one to say so and make the next move.
Hey ladies, I have a couple relationship questions. I asked a girl out recently (and got rejected), and at first I handled it alright, I don't think she thinks too much of it and she was cool to me about it, but the past few days I've been feeling pretty lonely as a result.
Basically speaking, I'm a chubby young man, but people tend to find me to be kind, smart, and respectable (so I am told). I am somewhat confident but I am generally more focused on being humble since as a teen I had a propensity to be arrogant.
How much should I concern myself with working on losing weight (as far as it pertains to getting a girlfriend)? I have good hygiene, I have a good job, and people consider me to be smart. I personally feel like I should chill out for several months before going back to looking for a girl who I get along well with to date, while I work on self-improvement.(USER HAS BEEN PUT OUT TO PASTURE)
So if you were me, you'd go ahead with sharing some thoughts and feelings then? To see how he responds to it?>>57553
Personally, if I like a dude, him being a lil chubby isn't going to stop me from dating him. My last bf had a belly and it didn't put me off at all. But if you're a straight up fatass, that would for sure lessen your chances. Anyway, you could never go wrong with losing some weight. It's not completely necessary, but why not just do it bc it's nice?
I'm bi and let me tell you, the women I've dated have been the most affectionate, giving people when in a relationship and the guys I've dated have been moody, manipulative little bitches.
Of course ymmv but honestly, women have a right to be mad at man-children. I'm currently in a relationship with a man and he is the first one I have ever met who doesn't whinge and try to be controlling while simultaneously treating me like I'm hysterical when I have a single problem with the relationship.
From my experience, being with a woman as a woman is often a super chill experience, you understand each other better and there's no weird power-dynamics going on. Maybe I just got lucky and got with some lovely girls but if I didn't love this guy I'm currently with, I'd probably go exclusively for women tbh.
Also don't use lolcow to make decisions about who to date lmao
I had that problem and then I whipped him. Basically I said I'm never fucking you or talking to you again if you don't delete those comments/unlike those likes. He eventually just deleted his Instagram. I am going to assume he just made a new throwaway account which is fine at least that's showing me courtesy and respect
Is it childish yes but then again I'm a dime and so are you anon. You can demand as much.
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Not sure if this is the right thread, but can any farmers help me out with what to expect if my partner ejaculates inside me? How much mess is there? What do I do about it? Will the sheets get ruined? Does it drip out?
I usually keep tissues around to wipe right after sex, especially if we used lube because I don't like having sticky thights or butt.
Then I go pee, it flush out some of the semen and helps not develop UTIs, wipe and eventually make a quick stop by the bathroom to wash with some water (If you got a bidet it's really useful).
Yeah sex is not always that clean and perfect from start to finish like in movies. Nobody's gonna think you're weird by keeping some stuff like tissues and a towel close to your bed unless they're kids.
imo thats not you being unappreciative. it is a special day for you, and there is nothing wrong with wanting to be made to feel like you matter. it was about him and what convenient for him. that whole scenario sounds really shitty and i imagine lots of people would feel pretty crappy after that.
absolutely stand up for yourself in that regard. you matter, and coming from a long term relationship that had a lot of the same issues, there is a good chance it will be like that more. we are creatures of habit, so if he gets used to just doing, or not doing, those sorts of things for you, its going to stay.
dont settle for alright.
So, it depends on why he's liking them, what the photos are, and how publicly visible it is. If my bf was liking pics of scantily-clad women all the time and it was showing up everywhere, yeah, that would make me uncomfortable.
Thing is, he may just like cosplays. I dunno. I'm not him. I know that I like seeing artsy/tasteful nudity and nicely done cosplays, and it doesn't get me off. I like a lot of selfies and I see it as showing support to the person's comfort in their appearance, but these are people I know, not e-hoes.
I just found out that my boyfriend spend procrastinating the last two weeks a really important thing for his future. He told me to not talk too much to him, because he needs the time and needs to concentrate. I myself was in a really rough place, because depression started hitting again. But because of respect I tried to keep it as low as possible and be a supportive girlfriend.
So, now I found out that he didn't get shit done, because he spend his time differently. He went to some rape fetish forums and was on such subreddits trying to hook up girls on there for "us". Always stating it would be for a threesome. Now, we are rather kinky, but he knows that rape stuff is something that really grinds my gears. Also other things like bestiality and even sexting with some asian girl that was into raceplay, calling her a gook-whore and shit like this on kik.
Now, even though he texted those girls that there is intention of meeting IRL, he told me that wasn't actually the case. And well, it was always stated that I would be involved. And no, I didn't know about any of this.
And so much stuff, that I found outright disgusting. I can't deal with any of this. He even send a nude pic he took of me to them, cropping out my face. And a full nude of him.
Is this now cheating? Because he always stated that I would be there, too.
What the fuck.
Just procrastinating something important would make me really angry at my boyfriend, but the shit after that is just beyond fucked up and weird.
Did he tell you he did all of that or did you find out another way?
Sending a nude without your consent is also incredibly disgusting. Sorry to say but if this were me I'd break up immediately.
I found out by snooping because I had a weird feel and he was all distant.
When confronted he just told me he actually really loves me etc. and that he was just so under pressure because of the thing he was procrastinating and wanted to escape. Because at least getting replies from crazy and self-hating chicks is at least something that he could do, or something.
Thanks for the reply. I'm pretty torn, because I didn't know this side of him at all. And now he's all lovely and normal, too. Like in a way, that makes it impossible to even phantom those things if you don't know it. So that I can kind of act like this was just a mistake?
I don't know, how do you know when to stop clinging on a relationship and when it is just that you don't want to be lonely?
If it was just watching freaky porn then I could understand. But he a) entered cheater territory by messaging those chicks and b) did something unforgivable sending your pic to other people.
I'd say break up or else you'll just let it go and it will probably happen again and hurt even more. Your relationship probably won't be the same anymore after this anyways.
Be brave Anon, no doubt this is going to be difficult but if you do it I'd say it's for the best.
Anon you should move out as soon as possible, but even if you can't do that just yet you should be honest with your SO about these fears and trust that you're not going to scare him away. Obviously you need to have space for his problems too, but don't be so worried to lean on him about all of this. He's been through a lot with you, he loves you, trust him.
Also please promise us that even when you're with your current bf, you have other friends. Nonsexual, platonic friends that you can be honest with.
Thanks for the replies. I think I really needed to hear that.
It just hurts so much, because I just moved to live closer to him two months ago and we stuck together through so much shit, and my mental health is currently getting extremely bad again and I don't know anyone around here. Well I guess at least I learned to not ignore red flags you see at the start and telling yourself that this is just a little thing, or this is just a small unimportant part and we all have our weird moments. Red flags should always be red flags. >>58012
Thank god I have my own place and I'm not dependent on him. And honestly I don't think I quite understood your post. I was honest and confronted him, but it's still unclear if the relationship might go on or not. I don't know it either, because I was still pretty unsure if this is cheating or not, because it is in some grey area and he did some mental gymnastics to justify it too for himself.
But welp, I really wish I knew people around here. But at least I have internet friends, I guess.
I've been dating my current BF for about 8 months now, and knew we were soulmates when we met 5 years ago. for 3 of those years I was gone, so I've spent maybe a year and a half with him total.
We're both in love. While we were drunk one night, he told me that I can just consider him my husband, because he considers me his wife. It made me so happy. We've talked about it may times again since. The other night, we were talking about getting married. We were drunk and would have eloped right then and there if we lived in a late-night town.
I know it's silly but I'd do it. I have some goals that I'd like to accomplish first, and I told him the other day that I'm not going to marry him until I reach these goals. I figure it's- at most- a year and half more until we get married in secret. We're both in our early twenties.
I don't know why I'm posting this. I guess because I don't have anyone else to talk to.
I'm in love with him. He's legitimately my best friend and soulmate. We do everything together, share every interest, and require the same things out of life. We have the same energy. We've basically lived together the entirety of this relationship. I spent a few nights at home in the beginning, but outside of that and a vacation we're always together. He's the one person that doesn't wear me out. I have life-long best friends that I can't stand for more than two days, but I can be with my boyfriend eternally.
I suppose I'm just looking for an assessment, and knowledge from people with similar experience.
>>58007>and now he's all lovely and normal, too.
He's manipulating you because he knows he's in the shit house. I had an ex that would do the same thing. It was always "for us" even though he would be requesting "Daddy Top for Young Chub", or using kik WITH MY PICTURES TO PRETEND TO BE ME AS HE SEXTED STRANGERS. I hate him.
Trust me, it won't change.
Sorry anon I meant >>58012
but if you're the same poster then I'm sorry about that. Someone doing mental gymnastics is a bad sign though, if someone cheats and owns up to it then they should be thankful for anyone to take them back long enough to work through it, but if he's gaslighting you with guilt about how it was 'for you too', or ignoring that it ever happened then it's a bad sign. He needs to own up to the wrong thing that he did.
It's really important to have a social life away from your SO though. It's not healthy to be completely dependent on each other.
wow, thats intensely similar with what i went through with my ex fiance. i considered it cheating. he felt the need to hide it from me and even when i first confronted him about it, he lied and when i persisted, there were only trace amounts of admittance. i came back at him with years of receipts of his fuckery and finally he actually fess up to everything.
get out. seriously. there is an absolute lack of respect for you. just because youre kinky and into things is no excuse for anyone to think that means its a go to do anything with you, your image or name.
what a fucking asshole.
I think anon was replying to me. I was scrolling here on /g/ and hadn't expected anyone to talk to me about my old posts, but well here I am.>>58012>>58018
Yes, I do have friends/a social life outside of my bf. He's very introverted and I worry about him more than myself, but he's said that I've encouraged him to see friends he would've just lost contact with otherwise. I thrive off socializing even if it's just online/with strangers because a lot of my friends don't live close by.
I have a best friend and some other friends, and luckily for me, one is a mutual friend with us both that I can trust with my problems and who can "get it." Despite all of that past trauma and the exes blowing up, I'm a well-liked person. I'm also in school so I get regular casual interaction through that. I actually went out with a friend around when I posted >>57140
and stayed out with her for a while.
We had a couple of blowouts recently, due to what I was worrying about plus his anxiety, and it was pretty shit, but we both mended it up and things are smooth now. I can't really remember the fights nor do I care because I know it was all based in fear and loneliness, and we both have forgiven each other and been enjoying each other's company. So it's situation normal.
I'm sorry, but how can you be surprised and hurt when your bf cucks and doesn't respect you when you open yourself up to getting cucked? Did you honestly think eh wants to fuck other women for YOUR benefit?
This is why you NEVER do MFF.
>>58092>the other night
Is it too late for the morning after pill already? If not go get one, just in case, even if it's not necessarily going to be effective.
I'd say the chances are very low. If you want to check go get a pregnancy test, I'm not sure when would be the best time to take it though, I wonder if two weeks after the unprotected sex happened is enough.
sry no idea… foot fetish forum might be a catch?>>58462
i have the same issue being "too" short. may i ask how old you are? you sound very unexperienced. first off it's important that youre wet enough so care for that before having intercourse. for being to long, he just cant enter fully, he just has to stop before. if him being to thick is hurting you, it means youre not relaxed enough. youre muscles are tensed up, tightening your vagina. so solution is you need to be more relaxed.
Don't worry, I'm 23, but I lost my virginity at 20 wih my ex of four years and I was previously abused so it took me a long time to be ready for sex, sorry
Does this mean he'l never be able to fully fit me?
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>>58559>Does anyone know what they'd do in that situation? I'm trying so hard to let go and not worry and just be supportive but I feel like I'm swallowing my tongue and on the brink of tears.
Yeah, it's because you're mental and have built your entire identity around him. I get idolizing someone early in a relationship, but if you can't learn to detach yourself you'll always be projecting your insecurities onto him. If you don't get a life of your own you will spend all your days "what-if"ing inside your own head. Do you know how relationships like that go? They don't, they end. You can't be a girlfriend he has to to baby and also a mom who needs to check on him every minute. You're already long distance, if he was cheating on you, you would never know, and it's not that hard to hide.
You need reality like a cold river to the face. You are insecure in yourself, and these issues are your own. It's not his fault you make yourself want to cry out of distrust. It's Yours. Fix yourself or your routine is going to start sounding like an old song.
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How do i get a boyfriend?
I already got myself in good shape with jogging (started few years back)
I updated my wardrobe with new clothes to boost my self esteem
I even started wearing make up (nothing too scandalous just some lipstick and powder etc)
But still i can't seem to get any attention from guys
Is it too forward to try approach them myself? i don't want to seem slutty or desperate
I don't think you should actively go out hunting for men or anything, you'll just end up with thirsty losers who will use you for sex and you have nothing in common with.
Take up some classes (painting, drama, computers, dance…whatever you're into) or join some kind of group that meets up regularly (a yoga group, language exchange, hiking, people who play board games…) and not only will you have fun, you'll end up meeting someone who is interested in at least one of the same things as you. That way, you'll have lots to talk about on the first date.
There's nothing weird about approaching a guy at something like that. Just make a friendly comment, don't approach him any differently than to how you'd approach a new friend. You're not going to seem slutty if you're just complimenting his artwork or making a comment on the scenery on a hike lol. Nature will do the rest.
Body language is a big thing so look up some signs that guys are into you. Even if you're pretending to be just friends, it'll be pretty obvious.
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Pursue hobbies you enjoy even in an online platform. You're bound to find guys in certain areas, even in the least likely ones (and no, they won't all be gay either).
Heck even filthy casual online games harbor a plethora of men. It's just a matter of trying to ramp up social skills if necessary.
I met a guy through such means, he's actually highly respectable and intelligent as well (and cute as fuck).
Just be careful all the same obviously, Anon.
You'll find a Q T 3.14 guy you adore eventually who feels the same way.
(Just FYI I thought I was a helpless case myself the whole time).
P.S kudos for the effort for what you've been focusing towards like getting in shape since many probably wouldn't even bother after a while of searching and go hunting for cats instead.
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I hate posting about this, I feel like one of the crazy cows I bitch about on here.
I have BPD and it makes me act fucking crazy in my relationship sometimes. It's scary because I have very little control over it. I mean, it's sperg rage type shit (threatening to kill myself, self harming, demanding he gives me his accounts to check he isn't cheating etc), really fucking shameful. I never knew I was like this until now, I got in my first ever relationship about a year ago. I can't tell if he fucked me up (he has issues with aggression, abusive language, being controlling) or if I'll always be this way.
Should I just end this relationship and accept that I'll just need to be alone forever?
Idk how big your man is, but I'd start with fingering and if you have any toys to start slowly introducing those in so you can get your hole used to that size.
I'm very very VERY tight and before I have sex with my man I always have to dilate using dildos.
You and me both! BPD is a cunt. I'm in a peaceful, healthy relationship right now, but my last two involved me getting super violent and raging like an autist constantly, hurting myself in front of them, smashing plates on the ground, destroying property, running down the street screaming at the top of my lungs…
I'm 23 now, almost 24 and honestly? i've just grown up a lot and learning to control my emotions has been much easier. The last man I was with was my ex fiancee and he did NOT know how to handle me at all. I also wasn't super happy in the relationship and kinda just wanted the attention / validation a lot of the time.
Keep going. Only kill the relationship if it keeps happening and you're both unhappy. Eventually you'll find someone who can help you. My current boyfriend soothes me immediately every time I get even kind of upset, and he doesn't even know I am doing it
It also helps to have a guy who you KNOW isn't cheating. That was a massive issue for me too. I thought I'd be this way in every relationship, but not now.
A better relationship may be out there for you. Or you might just need to grow for a bit, and your current boyfriend will have to support this. Be brutally honest with yourself all the time. Don't let the fear of being alone influence you.
Anyway sage for blogpost but this struck a chord with me because I have been through the same thing.
I can relate to this. I've been in LDRs for a while and it makes me feel like I need to "be around" so I'll have time with my partner.
Realizing that he's going to be around means that I can go, you know what? I haven't seen this friend in ages, I'm going to go out and see them. I'm going to go somewhere today and treat myself. I still spend a lot of time at home because introversion and wanting to see him more than most people in my life, but it feels like my balance is a lot better than it has been or could be.
I have a lot of interests and hobbies and they include a few major shared hobbies, so I can look forward to telling him all about what a nice time I had by myself. He's my best friend, but it doesn't mean he's my only friend or I can't be alone, even if I miss him sometimes. I take a lot of joy out of my hobbies and interests so I don't "feel bad" for doing them instead of breathing down my boyfriend's neck 24/7 since he needs the quiet time for himself too, and it's win/win.
You need to just put your foot down and tell yourself you're going to do something fun for yourself. Unless your boyfriend is a dick or your relationship is failing, he's going to be around tomorrow, or next week, or whenever, and you have time to see him. You can be busy because you can stop when he's home, or he can wait for you.
It's not that I don't trust him for some reason. It's more because statistics say that it's about a 50/50 chance that someone will cheat on you in the relationship, that makes me worried.
This was actually really fucking helpful holy shit. I did some soul searching I guess after posting this and you're right about the insecurity part. It's funny because over the last couple of months, the more confident I get, especially about my appearance and my future, the less nervous I feel. Before I used to think I'd probably an hero if he ever left me/cheated on me, but now I feel like…if he ever did cheat, it would fucking suck, but I'd be okay. I really did build my life identity around him at one point. Now I feel like I'm much more independent. And this summer I'm going to be working a whole lot so that'll keep my mind occupied.
>sounding like an old song
Yeah you're right tbh. It's annoying how much we talk about it.
idk if I could call this ~tough love~ or whatever but I really appreciate this. Thank you anon :)
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I found out my bf browses Chaturbate and a few MFC whores while I'm at work.
We don't have sex often (I don't view this necessarily as a problem) but considering he's admitted I've gotten fat (working on it), I'm probably in one of those 'he loves me but doesn't desire me anymore' relationships.
See, I don't mind that he browses sites like redtube, pornhub, xvideos, etc. because they're just generic videos made for anyone to view.
Something about camgirls though…it just seems so much more personal. Er I guess it could be, potentially. Especially when I see that he googles their names in particular and didn't just stumble upon them by happenstance.
I don't have proof he's tipping them or spending money though (thankfully…or just not yet?) Tbh if I ever found out he was spending money on virtual whores I would dump him.
I feel that I have a healthy dose of suspicion, and here's why you might agree with me: bf has been dismissive of his friend's cheating tendencies. It appears the reason he has empathy/forgiveness for otherwise reprehensible actions is because he can relate to their actions, or he's cheated before. He's hinted that he's cheated before, but seemed pretty ashamed when I asked him about those relationships. He's never told me exactly what he did.
So far, I know of two of his closer male friends who've been caught in major cheating situations. The first one had an emotional affair behind his fiancee of 7 years' back, which effectively drove a rift in my bf's friend circle when the guy ditched his fiancee for the other woman. The second…oh sweet fuck this person makes me so angry. So he cheats on his pregnant wife with whom he already has a child with, files for divorce to be with the other woman, and claims the reason as "she wasn't fun." Unfortunately bf isn't around very good influences.
I basically have to find a way to approach this without telling him that I basically went through his browsing history like a mom.
Anon wtf are you doing, love yourself a bit more. You're the one who has to set up boundaries or everyone is going to walk all over yourself.
How is your bf supposed to respect you if you don't start by respecting yourself ?
First of all the dude hasn't a solid moral compass because he doesn't mind making excuses for his friends. Also meaning that if or when he cheats on you, his friends will have his back and excuse his actions too.
Now whether you consider it cheating is up to you (I would and like you, I wouldn't mind porn). Viewing videos, paying for generic porn or sextoys is not cheating to me. But the moment it starts being something you wouldn't admit then it's borderline cheating.
Grow a spine anon, tell him you found it by accident but now it's here. If he tries to deflect or blame you for looking up his history, ditch this asshole.
i read a lot of threads on /g/ and /ot/, and i noticed a trend: though a lot of people seem to have very difficult lives, claim to be unattractive and/or are in a very bad place mentally, they still have a (mostly long-term, compatible and supportive) significant other.
then there's me: i'm sociable, reasonably attractive and relatively well-adjusted (i'm able to make a living and take care of myself, i can conduct myself socially, i don't have any major mental or behavioural problems aside froma mild case of depression and ADD, and while i like weeby shit, i have other interests too). yet either only very problematic guys are attracted to me (NEETs, guys who can't hold down a job or who are still students in their late 20s etc.), or when i find someone i like i can't hold on to them. most of my relationships end at 6-month mark. i think i may be coming on too strong from happiness and scaring them away/smothering them, but i don't want to play hot-and-cold mindgames either. what do, farmers?
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i've just come to accept my spinster life.
do not give a fuck about those losers and keep taking notes about everything. then summarize those notes in handwriting when you're studying for an exam. handwriting makes things easier to remember. also try mind mapping. work in 20-30 minute sprints and take 5-minute breaks in between. like actually set up an alarm to warn you. this way you can keep from getting hyperfocused and forgetting to eat etc. make lists and notes for everything, even the smallest stuff. if something doesn't work for you, seek for alternative methods. also if it's seriously hindering you, consider seeing a psychiatrist and going on medication. do not work with a psycho who will start you off with 3 ritalins a day, though.
also, don't dwell too much on it. yeah, it's a huge hindrance but the playing field is not as level as you think for other people. also mine gives me neat little "superpowers" like being aware of everything all the time since my mind never stops and being a quick thinker/acter since i'm incapable of doing shit slowly. an ADD brain can be very useful sometimes, find your own superpowers.
I dunno if there's really a solution to this, but I just kinda want to get it off my chest.
I have a fairly low libido due to medication, years of low self esteem, and just being more into 2D waifus and shit most of my life. I don't really feel bad about it, I jerk off about twice a month at most and it's done with. But my boyfriend of three years, well, he's normal. And I don't mind doing stuff for him but I know he wants to reciprocate and I feel guilty for never wanting anything. He's incredibly attractive to me, and the two of us have a great relationship thats been going on for 3 years. I just can't seem to enjoy anything sexual, and have been for years prior to us dating, save for the rare day here and there. Should I be worried? Is this related to my anxiety issues? Is something wrong with me? This is still going on even though I'm actually the most attractive and mentally stable I've ever been. I want to connect with him on this level better because it's the only area I feel we're lacking, and it's all my fault. He never complains but I know he deserves better.
This might be kinda dumb but have you gone on medication? Helps a ton. I felt kinda like I was being weak or something but once I went on it I realized how bad my ADD actually was lol. Maybe try adjusting your dosage too, I've moved it up and down plenty of times, it might make sense to increase it if you're in a situation with lots of work and stress. You can always bring it back down later. And if you've never been on it and try it, don't be super frustrated if it doesn't do much at first. The psychs I've seen all start you really low and slooooowly increase it, which is good for your health probably but can also be kind of frustrating when it feels like you're being overwhelmed by problems it's supposed to fix lol.
Besides that, I set lots of alarms on my phone and stuff, google calendar will send you reminders for events and can sync across platforms so that's really handy.
For the handwriting thing, I've switched to digitally taking notes (on laptop or phone) for that reason. I often re-write/summarize my notes while studying, like >>60209
suggested. Also use the book/professor notes, if they don't have any resources like that then your professor kind of sucks :( Python in particular has lots of good online resources tho, just try looking at the code documentation. If you want I can try and post some tips if you have more specific questions about it?
I used to forget to shower too, so I just started getting in the shower every morning. Good to have a regular schedule, even if I like fall asleep half the time in there and don't do much lol. At least I always know I'm mostly clean. Plus if you plan your morning with shower time, if you get distracted you can just skip it if you really need to.
Eating is really hard, especially with adderall. I try to regularly go to meals with friends, so they'll come and invite me and that stops me from totally forgetting, even if I don't end up eating that well. I try to always keep some easy to prepare food around (like microwave mac and cheese lol), even if it's horrible it's better than not eating I think, and even if I'm really unfocused I can at least manage preparing that. Or like, granola bars and stuff, those are good.
Oh and as a final note, talk to disability services if you haven't already! I got extra exam time; I often didn't even end up needing it, but there were several times where it was a lifesaver, and even when I didn't use it taking the exam while knowing that I had the time if I needed it made me much more relaxed and focused.
>>60219>It's all my fault
Stop right there. Nobody but you can answer if your libido is truly just your normal level or just currently affected by meds, but either way you aren't at fault for it. If you love him then it's understandable that you want to give him everything but at the same time if he loves you, he wouldn't want you hurting yourself or hating yourself to make it happen.
If you are worried, you can try things like increasing your exercise and doing heavy foreplay (either alone or together) or even speaking to a therapist or GP (meds normally affect libido so don't be embarrassed to speak to your doc) but in the mean time why don't you just talk to him a bit about how you feel?
lol anon are you me?
For the first 3 years of my relationship, we weren't so serious (still in high school) and I fully engaged in the sexual aspects of our romance. My libido was normal afaik. Fast forward to the last 3 years since graduation, we've moved cities, worked full time jobs, started post-secondary etc. I don't know if it's all these adult/life stresses but I've completely lost all interest in anything remotely sexual. For the last few months, I've only masturbated to entertain my boyfriend because I can't even bring myself to pleasure him directly like with a bj or whatever. It's not a lack of attraction to my partner, it's literally just anxiety, stress, self-esteem issues. I think. I do feel weird and guilty about it idk.
My bf also doesn't complain, he's supportive and patient. But I feel like i'm pushing my dysfunctionality onto him since he has no choice but to live with me being sexually unavailable. It's weird having the dilemma of being a crappy partner.
It's not hormones-related and my libido is still where it was before.>>61332
This is the problem. I brought it up with him a month ago, but nothing came of it. At first, I figured he was just waiting for the right time. Now I don't know what to think.
I'm just about at my wits end here.
It's late and I'm tired and emotional so I am so sorry for the giant emotional wall of text I am going to dump right now.
I have been with my husband for just over 10 years and I am starting to break.
We are old fags, in our 30s, and I've known him for essentially a third of my life. I keep hoping it will get better but I am starting to finally lose hope.
I'm a stubborn asshole. When I want to have someone in my life, I usually do whatever it takes, but for the first time I am really starting to doubt my ability to stay in this relationship. It sucks because if it ends, it is going to be so messy. It's going to be so bad I can honestly say I will never want to date another man again after this.
He recently lost his job due to a really… strange series of events that left him helpless legally. He has been out of work for just over a month, but here's the thing. He is just so depressed he has essentially given up.
I got home today after working my typical 9 hour shift (a busy one at that) and literally filled out job applications FOR him while he watched cartoons.
I would be more understanding if this was a rare thing, but he cannot. hold. a job. Like, ever. Since we started dating when he was young, he was very immature. I helped him out essentially throughout our entire relationship, and embarrassingly enough my family did too at points early on. He has gotten fired from 4 jobs in the last 10 years, 3 instances being his fault.
It sucks because a lot of it is due to his family and how he was raised. His mom and brother are those awful "I can do no wrong" kinds of people who talk big but can't deliver. His dad was verbally and physically abusive/absent during his childhood. He had drug problems which I think did some serious brain damage, because he just simply cannot… function like a normal person?
He is in his 30s but can barely read and can't write well at all. I don't even know how he graduated high school. He has emotional problems and anger problems and takes everything so goddam personally and thinks the whole world is out to get him.
The shitty thing is… when things are good, my life feels complete. Despite all his faults, he is the only person I have ever met, friend and s/o-wise, who has ever truly known me, accepted me, and loved me, through thick and thin. He is there for me emotionally 99% of the time. He will always do anything he can for me and generally brings out the best in me.
But during these lows, fuck. It's hard for me to not feel like I would rather be dead sometimes. That sounds like such an exaggeration but my heart feels like it hurts so much during times like this.
We just had another fight, we have had so many bad ones over so many stupid things since he lost his job. I was irritated at him and tired from the day and hot from the summer heat and I said a little mean thing. He is so stupid sometimes. When looking at applications he has been sending, they are full of typos, incorrect formatting, missing information. He is so impatient he doesn't ever bother to do things right. I tell him that might be why no one called him back. He gets so butthurt. The thing I just snapped at him at, where he unknowingly knocked something over and made a mess, that hurt his feelings, which turned into him saying he hates how I always xyz. He typically says I "always" about everything which I hate so much, since it just feels hurtful and pointless. He speaks without thinking when we argue most of the time, it's only when he calms down that he is more considerate, due to his anger issues.
We have had so many bad fights. He has not been faithful either, many years ago, and I am wondering if he is acting on feelings for others still. I can't trust him, which I know is death for a relationship. He lies a lot about little things too, because his dad was a liar and he learned from the best. I rarely believe a thing he says anymore.
When he has a job, things are great. He is a very hard worker. But as soon as work drama happens, he lets it affect him. He was doing so good though with his recent job. He had finally went to school, got a good paying job, and then he lost it in the most ridiculous of ways that for the first time WASN'T his fault… and now living with him feels insufferable, even though it was just a short period of time.
Everything is such a mess. I'm such a mess. Because he has a lot of debt from school, he only has about $200 in his account after his last paycheck. He has no savings. He also has no concept of savings thanks to his mother being terrible with money and also babying him and never giving him any responsibilities financially.
I don't have the money to live on my own. I also don't have an option to move back with my parents. I love him so much, but fuck this is getting to be so hard. All the issues were finally melting away since he finally had a job. He even was planning for the future, planning on going on to higher avenues of success in the same field, how he wanted to support me financially so I didn't have to work so hard. Finally pay me back for the near decade I had supported him for most of the time…
Now we are back and square one and I feel like my body is physically rejecting this. I don't know what to fucking do. If we break up and he leaves, I can't cover my rent. Everything I was looking forward to in our future together is gone.
This is such a mess. I already know the answer. Break up. Just cut it off now before I get more hurt. If I stay with him, it's just going to keep being my fault I am enabling this. He was doing so fucking well, things were improving, all that waiting for things to click into place was finally feeling worth it, but here we are. I have to bottle feed this fucking baby to get him to apply to jobs. He says he does while I am at work but he barely spends any time on it and watches fucking tv and plays on his phone most of the day. Spending money on eating out because he is too depressed to care about having to think about money for bills. I just… I don't know how to break through to him. It's not my job, I know. I am digging my own grave, I know. But fuck, I wish there was just one way for him to fucking grow up that didn't come at the expense of breaking up. To get over his daddy issues, anger issues, stop being a manchild, be more responsible financially, chore-wise, be less of a douche, and act his fucking age. But he just doesn't get it how matter how I put it, nicely or neutrally or mean.
This is so all over the place. I'm so sorry. I'm so frustrated and tired and this is more like a vent but fuck. 10 years… I really want us to be able to fix this, we both want to. But I have no idea how to begin finding the way anymore.
I'm glad you've at least reached this point now, in your 30s, than later on when you are tied down by kids or a mortgage.
Moving out is hard when you've been with someone so long but you can do this, you just need to keep reminding yourself that you only get one life yourself and you don't owe it to anyone to be their motherwife even if you care for them.
Perhaps he has changed his mind since you decided to have sex, and he no longer wants to.>>61373
If he's NEET, how much is he contributing?>>61376
My current partner is kinda "grabby" but also strokes me a lot. When he's grabby, he grabs my whole body at once, not just individual parts. I like it.
I was really obsessed with some guy, but was never in a position to talk to him because of insecurity/anxiety/whatever. And there was also some lady who was a co-worker of his, but I never gave her a second thought because I thought she was older than him, already had a kid from a previous relationship, and wasn’t pretty etc etc. I sort of stalked his Facebook for like months until one day I found that he and that woman were in a relationship. I was upset, but somehow that didn’t stop me from thinking that I could still have a chance in the future. I kept telling myself all sorts of dumb shit like he’s too young to be a stepdad it won’t last, and just being delusional. Then much later I found her instagram and found that she was pregnant by him, and I literally cried for hours (I was PMSing hard this day, so that probably had a hand in it). That was 2 years ago, and ever since that day I never again looked at any of his profiles and tried to stop thinking about him.
the weird thing is that he’s the only guy I’ve ever reacted like this towards. most of the time I’m grossed out by men. it sounds so stupid and cliche, but i’m afraid i’ll never feel this way about someone else. up till now, i haven’t found anyone, even in picture, that i would feel the same towards and that kind of worries me. I have turned down 3 people who have asked me out, and I feel weird about it because like.. who am i even waiting for? I feel like this is how it is, and I’ll probably have to settle for someone I’m not 100% attracted to in the end.
And FYI, this particular guy wasn’t supermodel attractive or anything, he was quite normal. i just liked everything about him, including his interests, beliefs, background, even his family.
Incoming blog post.
I feel very conflicted and tired about my relationship. Ultimately, like I made a mistake, but I'm too far in to do anything about it. I had an almost perfect life before – I was living in an adorable, upscale apartment, making decent money, and then I threw it all away for what I thought was a "perfect" guy. He made me feel wanted and that we were compatible sexually. He also made it seem like he was rich but I was actually making more money than him, I later found out. I didn't really know that he was just toying with me at the time and later he actually developed feelings for me and it turned into a real relationship. We were LDR for about a year and a half and then I moved in with him. I sold all my furniture and went through a big hassle with my job and got them to let me work at home. I ending up losing contact with my friends. One of which who now hates me.
I act as a housewife in that I cook and clean for him in exchange for not paying rent. This is a lot of work in conjunction with my full-time job as he needs to eat every two-three hours. I pay about $500/mo. for groceries.
Now that I live with him, and it's been about a year now, we fight constantly. He finds talking to girls on 4chan "fun" – he likes to get affection from them, have them fall in love with him until he gets bored, use them, whatever. This includes getting nudes. I obviously have a huge problem with this. I'm afraid it's making me crazy or BPD. I will have huge outbursts of jealously. I categorize this as cheating; he does not. In the past, he has complained about me to other girls, which I feel crosses the line, even moreso than the casually talking to other thing.
The other day, we were going out to dinner and he was taking forever to get ready. I saw him in the bathroom talking to some girl on Discord and I found that really disrespectful since he was holding us up talking to some girl. He even joked, "You didn't see my messages, right?" Then he sent a message on Discord saying, "she doesn't even know <3 oops wrong window!" Is he doing this to antagonize me? Then he continued to talk to her at dinner over kik.
It's not like I'm ugly, I'm pretty cute and I'm thin. I am older than these girls, but he's almost 30 and I'm 26. I take care of him and risked a lot coming here. Am I wrong to not want to put up with this?
Please advise a bit more than "dump immediately and leave." It would take a bit of work for me to leave.
*the casually talking to other girls thing
*Then he sent a message TO ME on Discord saying,
Dump him immediately and leave. Seriously, you're not going to salvage this. He clearly has no respect whatsoever for you, play with you. What are getting from this? Not even free rent ffs, he's treating you like his personal maid.
Start saving if you don't have enough to move right now, but you need to leave. It's probably going to get even worse with time.
You're 26, you're still young. Leave before he turns you crazy and bitter.
Well, he does pay rent though. The agreement upon moving in was I WOULD be his personal maid in order not to pay rent, so that's my own fault. I guess the amount I pay for groceries is almost equal to rent in some places.
I already do feel really resentful and bitter, so that's unfortunate. I want to save but I had a fainting spell before I moved and my savings are a bit drained from hospital bills. I'm a wreck, anon.>>61500
I don't know, I really used to love him.>>61501
Where did I say I know him from 4chan?
What the fuck, Anon.
Please, please listen to your friends. Leave that complete fuck up of a person. You don't deserve that horrible pain. There is no way to help him. Please move out to your own place, and cut off all contact.
Maybe start drawing a time-line about getting yourself out of there. Set the amount you can save per week/month, check how much it would cost to move. Can friends or family help you, money wise, lend you a little?
I know it's hard to leave, it seems easier to mend what's already here but he sounds like a total ass. You're probably going to regret it if you waste years with him, he cheats on you the whole time ('cause yeah, he's cheating) and set your life back. You deserve better than to be a maid waifu he can't even show respect to.
He's yelling at me rn because he thinks I misplaced a Sharpie, lmao. He was the last one who even used it.
As for the food, well, someone recommended it to him around that time and he wants to stop putting unnecessary growth hormones into body, but yeah, I see where you're coming from.
I can always move back into my family's house but that feels shameful. I've always thought in my back of my mind that I will move back home at the end of year if something bad happens or if things don't change. My money situation is not where I'd like it to be, but I do have an okay support network at work and at home.
Thanks for the advice everyone.
Can I ask why you decided to shack up with a dude you aren't married to while having your own place to stay?
What does a guy say to you that makes you just up and leave a perfect set-up?
ugh, never let someone hold money over you in a relationship. thats more of a roommate thing, like being short on your part of rent or something.. but a relationship is about support, and if it was agreed that you would take care of some things and they are, then there is no need to start bitching about shit.
that was a situation i was in for years, not having a job or having something part time but i never made enough, and when i wasnt working, i never did enough to make up for the fact that i wasnt bringing in as much as my ex. the love was gone. it was always an argument about how i could do better around the apartment. the floors were never clean, i left a cup in the sink and so that meant i never did the dishes enough. the food i cooked was never good enough, despite having culinary training.
he was also chatting up other chicks, sexting and sending and requesting nudes all the time. he even tried to hook us up with swingers in the area without me knowing.
your bf sounds awful and has little respect for your or your relationship.
Right. I have the money, I guess, but it makes saving hard. And it wasn't what we agreed upon on moving in so it's frustrating.
Do you think your ex had a sex addiction? Sometimes I wonder about mine. That swinger thing hits a nerve… My bf is really interested in threesomes, and because I did it a few times, now he thinks that I can't not do it again. But my jealous is so high, I feel insecure about doing anything with another girl.
It sounds like he has an issue about sex/penetration that might be hard to approach. If he's caring for you in many other ways of your relationship but the sex isn't coming along, it might be a personal issue. I think you're right to question it.
Most people feel that sex with their partner is a natural and healthy form of expression, and if he's not taking it there with you, it certainly seems like something else is lingering in his mind. I would first try to initiate things explicitly like, definitely try to start with him – and if he's not interested or just moving because he has to, I would try to talk it out with him if you guys are communicating well esp. if it's a longer-than-4-months relationship.
Where you two virgins or sexually inexperienced prior to dating one another?
Maybe he's scared of pregnancy or it's like what >>61576
He might have a sex addiction; either way, he's not respecting you or your relationship. It seems like he's trying to make saving money hard, and he doesn't want you to have the means to leave.>>61576>>61580
Thank you. Neither of us are virgins, but we're also not super experienced. I've talked to him a bit about it, but nothing has come of it. He's probably not scared of pregnancy; the BC method I chose was something we both talked about and we liked that it was especially effective.
He always sidetracks me when we get intimate, and positions me so I can't do things for him. He makes sure I get off, and makes it impossible for me to reciprocate, though I've expressed a sincere desire to do so. Whenever I try to do anything about this, he kind of resists in a playful way, but he really is much bigger than me so there's not much I can do, and I don't want to force him into anything that makes him uncomfortable. I feel stuck because I have to be assertive to even get a chance to get him off, but that's not what turns him on at all (it doesn't come naturally to me, but I really like to make him feel good). If I'm pinned down moaning, he's rock hard, but the moment I try to do anything it goes away. We've talked a bit about technique, and he's been telling me more what he likes, slowly, which I really appreciate. It took time to get to that point and it's a relatively new development. He's always been very patient with me, and I am happy to be patient with him, because I care about his feelings, but not knowing what's going on is hard and it turns me into a crazy person full of self-doubt. I know he's making an effort to communicate more with me (instead of just listening, which he's really good at) so I'm doing my best to listen and encourage him to keep doing that. If he needs to go slowly with that, it's okay. I guess I'll keep trying to expand communication with him so he can become more comfortable talking to me about that sort of thing, and I'll try to express more clearly that I'd rather he not be so very selfless when we fool around. He seems like he's willing to work through it with me, but that he has a hard time opening up with intimacy.
>>61594>If I'm pinned down moaning, he's rock hard, but the moment I try to do anything it goes away.
This just sounds like erectile dysfunction to me. He's obviously attracted to you if the moaning gets him hard and he's obviously capable of an erection, but something psychological kills the mood when it comes down to sex. It sounds situational, like the actual physical act of penetration is what ruins it for him.
> he has a hard time opening up with intimacy
If he struggles with communication and intimacy then that kind of thing can cause anxiety, which is a big cause of sexual dysfunction.
Maybe sex therapy would help?
a few years, this is the first time I ever had something like this happen, besides him going somewhere and refusing to tell me, which is fine if he wants to keep stuff to himself, it's just WHY he needs to lie or refuse to tell me things that concern me
I'm not saying he is cheating, but it is suspicious, I know if he does that it may not be cheating, but it is suspicious considering he goes to bars a lot and tells me about when girls try to get with him, what else could he be doing talking to someone late at night that he doesnt want me, his girlfriend to know about?