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Welcome to the first annual Lolcow Awards, feel free to comment and celebrate!Favorite Cow:
- Onision >>346069
- Margaret Palermo >>346078
- Pixyteri >>346101Worst Cow:
- Onision >>346069
- Incels >>346074
- Dakota (tba)Best Milk:
- Keekweek >>346075
- Onision >>346069
- Margaret Palermo >>346078Biggest Plot Twist:
- Venus’ Escape >>346078
- Keekweek >>346075
- Billie’s return to the Onion house >>346069Horrorcow
- Hartley Hooligans >>346081
- Ashley Isaacs (tba)
- Onision >>346069Best Troll:
- Kiki Kannibal >>346075
- Milk-chan >>346088
- Lainey’s fake tweet >>346084Worst Troll:
- Kiki Kannibal >>346075
- Sindy Pop >>346098
- Vicky >>346094Best User-Created Content:
- Lolcow banners
- Spergchan >>346075
- Onision thread pics >>346069Best Comeback
- Kiki Kannibal >>346075
- Pixyteri >>346101
- Lilou Vos >>346075
The nominee summaries have been contributed by members of the Discord. Thank you!
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In the category of "Favorite cow", we have:
3rd place - Pixyteri
2nd place - Margaret Palermo
- 1st place: Favorite Cow
- 1st place: Worst Cow
- 2nd place: Best Milk
- 3rd place: Horrorcow
2016 was a truly bountiful harvest of drama from Onision. Having decided that his wife Lainey needed a girlfriend to become a real bisexual, the gruesome twosome discovered Billie on Twitter and became the greasesome threesome at the end of 2015. In January, there was trouble in polyamorous paradise when when Greg and Billie were caught being extramaritally intimate, prompting Cuddlegate 1.0 and what would be the first in a cycle of breakups and makeups.
YouTube finally woke up to the fact that judging teen girl’s bodies for content is both fucked up and creepy, with many YTers calling him out; amongst them his last remaining friend, Cyr. Onion ended his friendship with Cyr this year due to Cyr not voting for Onision’s preferred presidential candidate. Onion made a series of videos on social media skeleton Eugenia Cooney under the pretense of getting her banned from youtube in order to “help her”.
The drama on lolcow reached its climax when a troll created fake screenshots to make it seem as though Billie was lurking the threads, as well months later, when a second troll nicknamed “Milk-anon” created a twitter account to trick those closer to the Greasome into revealing information. More and more former friends and flirts of the Onion family's members have come out on Twitter and lolcow to reveal more dirt on what goes on behind the curtains.
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3rd place - Dakota
1st place - Onision >>40062nd place: INCELS
Incels, or rather, involuntary celibates, are the new laughing stock of reddit and the entire internet. There are many incel subreddits where nineteen year old boys come together to complain about their lack of female companionship, fantasizing about having government mandated wives, showing disdain and contempt for any woman who they interact with in real life, as well as write ups about how eating a stick of butter a day can help them be more healthy. Many incels also spend their days insulting women online, referring to many as “roasties” and not accepting anything other than the 10/10 goddess they believe they deserve.
Their disgust for women is coupled with a deep obsession with anything female, which can be confusing as they may seem militantly gay, but they’re actually just pathetic. Calling them ‘cuck’ seems to have a negative effect on them, much to the glee of many farmers who have interacted with these worthless creatures.
Other incel-discussions focus on fucking the corpses of dead dogs, legalising paedophilia and worshipping Elliot Rodgers. A gander into their discord server is always worth the trip, with incels sperging about the futility of life and verbally abusing any female that stumbles in. They are a shining example of the internet bringing the worst kind of people together, and deserve their spot as some of the second worst cows of 2016.
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3rd place: Margaret Palermo
2nd place: Onision
First place: KIKI KANNIBAL
Kiki also wins:
- 2nd place: Biggest Plot Twist
- 1st place: Worst Troll
- 1st place: Best Troll
- 2nd place: Best User-Created content
- 1st place: Best comeback
- 3rd place: Best comeback (As Lilou Vos)
Dakota’s ugly sister and washed up Scene Queen Kirsten “Kiki Kannibal” Ostrenga has a secret talent, and that talent is bewildering, relentless trolling. Of the nearly 2,500 posts on Lolcow attributed to Kiki, 1,900 of them were spam posted in under a month. Anyone can post mid-surgical penises or disease-ridden vulvas, but this troll’s real creativity lies in the bizarre and juvenile spam that captioned the pictures. The disgusting, bizarre and disjointed all-caps sentences along with the copy-pasted repetitions of certain words and phrases pointed to an obsessive and unhealthy mind. She posted at all times of the day and night, because in her own words, “I CAN DO THIS ALLL DAY/ IM SUPPPORTED BY THE GOVERNMENT ON DISABILITY”. This one woman tirade of spam was made possible through jumping around multiple IPs to evade bans and throw off accusations of samefagging. Kiki is an inspiration to trollers everywhere, who can only hope to emulate her ickiness and laserlike focus. Of course, she also wins worst troll because she got caught, though not without fair effort, and ultimately, she wins best comeback because all was fairly quiet on the drama front- until now. Sometimes old lolcows have it in them to produce the most plentiful milk.
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3rd place - Billie's return to the Onision household >>4006
2nd place - Keekweek >>4008First place: VENUS' ESCAPE
Margo’s fleshy realdoll surrogate finally flew the coop after years of emotional abuse and drama. As Venus was her only conduit to fantasies of self-fame, she subsequently lost her shit and the river kappa’s new raison d'etre of stalking, harassment and manipulation began. Margot now lives in a plywood bad baby jail with drifters where she posts sad instagram captions about wanting her beloved Venoos back. At this time she chased Venus to Japan and ended up living in the airport, where she (obviously) posted a naked photograph from. She also befriended and enlisted Youtuber Vexxed’s help to launch a smear campaign against Venus, claiming she stole Margo’s livelihood from her and justifying her insane antics.
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3rd place: Onision >>346069
2nd place: Ashley Isaacs
First place: HARTLEY HOOLIGANS
(summary to be added)
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3rd Place: LAINEY'S FAKE TWEET >>303155
On the 4th of October, several varying screenshots of a tweet reading ‘hey can I please take you up on your offer, I’m feeling really scared and unsafe’, supposedly posted by Onision's wife Laineybot, were posted in the Onision thread a few minutes apart. When other farmers went to check Twitter, the tweet had seemingly been removed. But 3 people had caught it, so legitimacy went almost unquestioned for a while. Calls of Photoshop from Sarah and Lainey herself were discredited as damage control, although a few farmers gave them the benefit of the doubt and suggested a person using multiple IPs doctored tweets in advance and posted them in quick succession. Several later posters claimed to be the individuals who posted the screencaps, leading some farmers to make calls and online reports to the police, as multiple posts on an anonymous image board were clearly proof enough.
A bit later a farmhand even confirmed each screencap was posted by a distinct IP, and each of these IPs had several posts accredited to them.
The plot thickened when a farmhand mentioned that the elusive Manassas, VA, IP (rumored to be Billie, as a previous screenshot showing Lainey’s facebook with Billies display picture next to the comments box was posted from this IP) was the first to post the tweet screenshot. The Manassas IP posted again after that, mainly pro-Billie anti-Lainey drivel amongst tinfoil hatting and suspicion.
On the 7th, an impromptu and obscenely milky Townhall took place, where unfortunately the worst was revealed; all screenshots had been posted by an elaborate troll. The original Facebook cap from ‘Billie’, all the tweet caps, all the shitposting: all the same person using many proxies and the ‘inspect element’ method of changing tweets.
Three days of police-calling and speculation came to an abrupt end, apparently with a vast amount of apologising but ultimately a permaban and a heightened vigilance in the Onion threads.
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2nd place: MILK-CHAN AND LUXYMOO
Milk-chan was a troll who decided to capitalise on the Luxymoo sub-drama during the time the Onision drama came to a climax. Farmers had always speculated that Greg would use his wife, Lainey, to talk to and lure girls into his relationship so he could get his greasy hands on them and act like it was Lainey’s will, but there was never any evidence that he took part in seducing them online. Luxymoo was originally Lainey’s friend who was quickly dropped by both Lainey and Gergamel after she rejected his dick (after much harassment).
Milk-chan piggybacked onto this and decided to pretend that Onion had contacted her first, not Lainey, and that he had offered to fly her out to visit them and be part of their three-way relationship. Apparently, she almost sent nudes and Greg asked strange questions about ‘spitroasting’. This, were it real, would have been the proof that Greg cheats and the fact he allows his wife to ‘seek girlfriends’ is just bait to add to his harem. Contacting Luxymoo with screencaps of their supposed conversations led to Luxy herself revealing the uncomfortable mess she'd been involved with, and Milk-chan eventually managed to bring Luxy to lolcow to confirm the story.
Unfortunately the tweets and conversations were proven to be fake after much anticipation that a video exposing Onion would be posted with full screenshots.
Milk-Anon was a fake Twitter created simply to milk the Onion household and the people related to it dry, and though it dashed our high hopes for an Onion takedown, it did contribute to the buildup and allowed Greg to further meltdown and put every detail of his life on the internet. Despite the plentiful sperging and the whole thing being a lie, Luxymoo’s side of the story was proven to be true. One could say that the moral of this story is: even if it’s fake milk, you can still get cream from it.
FIRST PLACE: KEEKWEEK >>346075
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3rd place - VICKY SHINGLES
Twenty sixteen brought about the long awaited return of everyone’s favourite household name scene queen Vicky Shingles (who wasn’t even that big during the scene queen era) to the front of drama, well known for her exquisite(ly fake) shoops, her wonderful imagination and of course her beautiful tattoos.
Some deemed her Sperg-chan 2.0, some just laughed in pity yet all of us wept in joy when Vicky entered her own thread, pretending to be many many people that know her… Correcting us all that her shit tattoos were the fault of everyone who got one not looking after the tattoo correctly or never coming back for it to be finished rather than it being her back street, self taught tattooing and well below average art skills. That all the rumours on her odor being unpleasant were a lie and apparently half the people she’s ever dated coming in to say she smells like jack daniels and vanilla and unicorn blood or some shit like that, whatever it was it was not the nasty ass crusty stale smell that people normally claimed. She also white-knighted herself, as ex-lovers, acquaintances, strangers, anyone she could think up, for her shoops being ONE HUNDRED PERCENT ACCURATE BECAUSE LOOK AT THESE EARLY 00’s QUALITY INSTAGRAM VIDEOS.
A particular high was also the strangers that she saw in shops and the street then going home to google this girl and rushing to her defense. When all her white knighting and botting got shown up, Vicky then went down the ‘omg ur all cyberbullying me boohoo I’m gonna get legal action in’ route, which may have been more convincing if the emails were actually sent to lolcow instead of a similar site, or were not from the least legit sounding email of all time firstname.lastname@example.org. Sadly, after an actually competent adult replied to her pointing out the fakeness of her legal claims, she backed down and has been laying low.
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2nd place: SINDY POP
Sindy Pop is a Scottish cosplayer known for being downright terrible and being a popular topic of discussion on 4chan’s /cgl/. Everything from her drug induced seeming appearance to her cosplays screams disgust. A number of times, Sindy came to troll and whiteknight in her own thread, often namefagging to make her presence known. Back when /manure/ was still in existence, she had a thread of her very own in it. Even with the lack of activity in the dead board, Sindy continued to namefag in order to make sure farmers knew she was there. This prized gem of talent is notorious for tracing her art and denying that she ever did such a thing, as well as her pleasant personality, which has resulted in getting her banned from several conventions.
2017 awaits the return of this Scottish beaver.
First place: Kiki Kannibal >>346075
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3rd & 1st place: KIKI KANNIBAL
2nd place: PIXYTERI
Pixyteri is the Queen for many reasons; reluctance to take showers, obsession with anything related to beautiful Nippon, disconnection from the real world, strange manly face, etc. Years of watching Pixyteri squeeze herself into lolita dresses and pose sexually in bad cosplay coupled with a strange kind of charisma has earned her a place in many farmer’s hearts. This incarnation of the lolcow site is the end result of the need to discuss her (and others) and our main board is named after her as an homage.
Over time, Pixyteri has steadily gained weight and was in denial about it, becoming hostile when the subject was brought up. Well meaning farmers attempting to offer advice are always eventually spurned by Pixy, greatly offending her by suggesting she try appealing to the plus size gravure photo market or accidentally referring to her heritage as something other than Japanese. For the better part of a year(?), she has been relatively quiet on social media, mostly just uploading her photoshoots and dancing videos with tripod san and posting the odd vague and tmi status on skype.
Recently, Pixy inexplicably lost a ton of weight and seems to be bettering herself. Ending or at least slowing the steady shit spiral down which her life was moving, it seems she has finally gotten a glimpse of what a normal life, not stuffed with mochi, could bring her. Will this uptick result in an independant PT? Probably not - her new aspiration is to be a shota. The long running nature of interest in Pixy means the improvement was met with much happiness, however.